It seems that British tabloids have officially discovered “facesitting”—and it’s kind of adorable. Only, instead of referring to the act in such common parlance, the ‘bloids are going with the fancier, lesser used slang of “queening.” The Daily Star is calling it “the hot new sex trend of 2018" with zero evidence of which to speak.
To be clear, we are talking about the simple act of placing one’s undercarriage atop another person’s face. But the tabloids are seizing upon that “queening” language to make some heavy-handed references to royalty.
The Mirror announces: “Grab your crown ladies and get ready to ascend to your throne.” The Daily Star enthuses, “The kinky move helps women to feel empowered – just like a monarch.” The Sun trumpets, “CALLING all women! It’s time for you to accept your places as royalty… in the bedroom at least.” Then there’s this display copy, which much be witnessed in all of its pink, all-caps glory:
Perhaps this is the inevitable result of royal wedding withdrawal. All those fairytale pictures have faded from our social media feeds—time to start thinking about some royal fuckin.
The Sun at least does us the courtesy of researching this sex move—by way of Urban Dictionary, that reliable cataloguer of human sexuality—and reports that “the first images of this can be seen in ancient Egyptian drawings, but it is known to have been a historic part of ancient Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Medieval European, Victorian and other cultures.” Is this actually true?
Consulted via Slack, Jezebel’s resident historian, and royalty expert, Kelly Faircloth, replied, “i mean i generally subscribe to the theory that people have always known every possible way to fuck. it’s not putting a man on the moon. and there was nothing to do at night for a LOT of human history. what else were you gonna do but innovate ways to smush your genitals together.”
But now we can smush ‘em and feel like royalty.