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Silicon Valley CEO Family Looks to Disrupt Living by Outsourcing Their Entire Existence to Contract Laborer

Illustration for article titled Silicon Valley CEO Family Looks to Disrupt Living by Outsourcing Their Entire Existence to Contract Laborer
Image: Getty

Many tech companies are born of the idea that existing systems could be made more efficient by giving one tool multiple functionalities. For example, under the auspices of Silicon Valley, the telephone also became a camera, music player, and television, among other things, making life much easier for the user. Every car on the street potentially becomes both a means of transportation and a source of income with the advent of the rideshare app. The dawn of soylent meant that a single drink could act as both nutrient and emetic. So it seems correct that a “CEO family” in Menlo Park, just outside Palo Alto, would attempt to revolutionize the day-to-day business of existing as a pair of human beings with a couple of children by outsourcing the job to a single individual who could also act as chef, account, travel agent, math teacher, and personal trainer, like the iPhone of people.

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In a recent job posting to a staffing agency called The Calendar Group, this existence-hacking CEO family from Menlo park wrote a thousand-word screed describing all the duties they expect from their five day a week “Household manager/cook/nanny.”

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Those duties include but are not limited to everything from playing math games with 10-year-old twins, making both parents and children’s lives more fun by tirelessly researching vacation options, populating this research into Exel spreadsheets, managing a Google calendar devoted to gardening, communicating with the four other individuals who work full-time to make these wealthy people’s lives more comfortable, cooking organic meals, driving in snow, driving on mountains, understanding that an entire family allergic to chicken can and does eat duck eggs, teaching children how much fish to purchase while knowing oneself, reading articles that make insubstantial links between beef and breast cancer, skiing at an intermediate level, forming alliances with other children’s parents or at least their nannies, perhaps speaking French or Spanish, ideally while playing the piano, understanding that the children’s mother is very tired on the weekends and facilitating her relaxation.

The listing also assures potential applicants that the family is “civil rights oriented” and most likely will only discriminate against those who are not French-speaking travel agent math genius skiers. The job posting also asks that the human being who applies to act as a stand-in for another human’s existence also be able to have “room in their heart to love the kids and the mom; has a high capacity to be loved deeply by them.” The very next bullet point asks that the applicant also have “appropriate boundaries.” College degree also required.

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DISCUSSION

My favorite theory is that a SAHM wrote this re: her CEO husband and she wanted to show him that everyone thinks the amount of work she does is FUCKING INSANE.