'Shut Your Mouth and Shut Your Fucking Legs': RHONY Is BACK, Baby!!!

After a lackluster ninth season, Real Housewives of New York is returning for its big tenth (TENTH!) and just like the skin around the cast members’ eyes and mouths, the ladies’ sanity and penchant for drama is being stretched past what you thought was humanly possible.

Even beyond New York, Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise is experiencing a slump, being—as I’ve said ad nauseam—far outshined by the psychotic brats of Vanderpump Rules. But this RHONY trailer? These broads are back and in fighting shape.

After Luann’s marriage to Tom D’Agostino predictably fell apart, so did her life, culminating in the alleged assault of a police officer and arrest in West Palm Beach. But our Lu is on the road to recovery and we, her best friends, are here to support her. Speaking of besties, Bethenny and Carole are on the outs and Bethenny and Jill Zarin, following the death of Jill’s husband Bobby, are back in communication. Carole and Adam are seemingly broken up, which—to me—is a positive if only because we no longer have to hear him describe his “sexy salads” anymore. Other than that, Dorinda is still getting drunk and speaking incomprehensibly, and Sonja’s vagina is still fair play for both penises and the ladies’ mean but increasingly creative insults.

Wow. All this and we haven’t even gotten to the vomit-fueled hell cruise yet. Someone please get me a fainting couch (there has to be an old dusty one SOMEWHERE in Sonja’s townhouse); I have the vapors.