It’s Friday. It’s Shade Court time, what else do you need?
In this week’s Shade Court, Serena Williams serves (ha) some shade, Nicolle Wallace comes for Raven and who knew financial institutions had it in them?
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000106
The Case: Khloé—accent on the e—Kardashian is reportedly dating NBA player James Harden, who you may know as the adult man that Lil B mentally tortured during the playoffs this year. James Harden used to date rapper Trina. Because the beauty and ugliness of social media is the fact that it allows you to share all your half-baked thoughts and ideas instantly, Trina tweeted:
The Defendant: Global Grind
The Deliberation: As I prepared for this case, I learned something interesting: Trina also used to date French Montana, who Khloé Kardashian was with earlier this year.
My clerk, Us Weekly, has the additional details:
“Trina thinks it is funny that Khloe was hanging out with James Harden, another of her exes,” a source told Us Weekly about the feud brewing between Kardashian and Trina. “Remember French Montana was also with Trina before Khloe. Khloe and James are not officially dating though and are just friends hooking up,” the source adds.
“Trina has been telling her friends Khloe can continue to have her sloppy seconds once again. Trina still hasn’t spoken to Kim [Kardashian] since Khloe and French got together and you know they were good friends. Trina says Khloe may be the baddest of the Kardashians but she’ll never be her,” the source continued.
I know this isn’t the point, but to be honest, my biggest takeaway from all this is that Kim Kardashian seems like the most disloyal friend on the planet. That now makes two close friends she’s lost because she wouldn’t tell her sisters to back the hell off and find some other mediocre dude to date for eight months.
Now also seems like a good time to point out that James Harden also used to hook up with Amber Rose. As you may remember, there is little love lost between Khloé and Amber.
OK. Now that that’s all sorted out. No, this is not shade—rather, these are shots fired. If Trina had really wanted to be shady, maybe she would have posted a picture of her and James Harden boo’d up for Throwback Thursday and left the caption blank or only included a kissy face emoji. That would have shaded the hell out of Khloe.
This tweet, while funny and wholly accurate, is just a good old fashioned call-out.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000107
The Case: As part of the official crumbling of our society, the New York Stock Exchange came to a halt on Wednesday due to technical issues and/or the devil tightening his grip on America.
The Nasdaq, which is known affectionately by me as “the other money place,” fired off a tweet that raised a few eyebrows.
The Defendant: Nasdaq
The Deliberation: Oh, look at that. The Nasdaq is releasing a nice little PSA. Nothing to see here! Just wanted to inform the world that we’re fully operational over here and are not ruining the economy because somebody made their password “123ABC.”
Special points for helpfully pointing out that even though the NYSE’s shit is all fucked up over at their headquarters, things are just fine for NYSE securities over here.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000108
The Case: Raven-Symoné, a jar of bad ideas with cool hair, was on the other end of quite the zinger this week. Fellow View cohost Nicolle Wallace just couldn’t help herself as Raven discussed the hardships of fame.
The Defendant: BuzzFeed, The Root
The Deliberation: This is very interesting. The actual question, “Are you really that famous?” is definitely rude as hell. There’s no away around that—it’s not subtle, not unclear, just hilarious and brash.
The shade, if any, comes through in the delivery. Had Nicolle asked her the same question with an air of actual concern and interest, that would have been off the charts shade. Something like: Oh, does that happen a lot? The hand cramping from all the autographs? Please, tell us more.
As it stands, if any shade is to be gleaned from this exchange, it comes from the laughter that followed. Wallace miiiiight have been able to position, “Are you really that famous?” as a semi-legitimate question, but not when she starts cackling immediately after asking it. It’s that whole, “Oh, this is a joke, but it’s also definitely not a joke” ruse.
However, Wallace’s complete inability to keep it together is what killed her. Had she asked the question genuinely and followed with a quiet snort or chuckle, she might have had a chance. Next time, Nicole. It’s just a matter of time before Raven serves you up another softball.
The Ruling: Shade-y, but not shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000109
The Case: Selena Gomez has a new single out called “Good For You,” where sings about all the things she does to look good for her man. Frankie Grande—brother to a singing ponytail—had some opinions on the track that he decided to share because he doesn’t have any real friends to stop him.
In a Snapchat video, Frankie Grande plays the song and includes the caption: “how about look good 4 URSELF?” while he sucks on a secondhand pair of dentures.
The Defendant: Sugarscape
The Deliberation: Frankie Grande is a troll—both in spirit and aesthetic—and he needs to fucking relax. Sir, your sister is running around licking donuts like some sort of yappy puppy with no home training. Now is not a good time to bring any more shame to your family name.
Grande’s point seems to be that Selena Gomez should be more concerned with looking good because she wants to and not for some guy. That might be a valid opinion—if anybody gave a shit what this dude thinks.
Look, I am all for ladies doing it for themselves, mostly because men don’t even notice the real effort we put in. No man has ever complimented me on the things that really matter, like my impeccable eyebrow game or the fact that I’ve found the perfect shade of red lipstick for my skin tone.
That being said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look good for yourself AND your man. This is a pop song, for god’s sake. Are we really expecting the lyrical content to delve into the dichotomy that women face wherein we want to stay true to ourselves but also make our partners happy? Seems like a lot to ask.
Also, Frankie’s video was lame and you can smell the bitterness from a mile away. Shade, my friends, does not smell like jealousy. Real shade smells like a fresh haircut and Mariah Carey’s dressing room.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000110
The Case: Serena Williams steamrolled Maria Sharapova on Thursday during the semifinals of Wimbledon, making it the seventeenth time she’s beaten the Russian player.
As the two women met at the net to shake hands, Serena went a step further and gave Maria a nice little back tap for good measure.
The Defendant: Serena Williams
The Deliberation: Some might say that I’m reading too much into the gesture, but if the Constitution is a living document, then so are the Laws of Shade.
Two important things to remember: These two women are not friends and this match was not particularly close. That little tap is so gloriously friendly, yet completely condescending. Without saying a word, Serena’s tap said:
Good job, Maria.
Good effort, Maria.
Maybe next time, Maria. (LOL)
Chin up, Maria, you did your best.
It’s sweet that you even showed up, Maria.
Serena is a champion in more ways than one.
The Ruling: Shade
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Images via Getty.