Do you think god conspired to allow the passage of gay marriage on the same day as Shade Court to honor Dorian Corey in the manner that she deserves? I like to think so.

In today’s Shade Court, Diplo is trippin’, Presidential shade and if you come for Janet Jackson, you best not be insane.

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000097

Images via Khia’s Instagram and Janet Jackson’s Instagram.

The Case: Ms. Jackson (if you’re nasty) has graciously decided to take time away from her fabulous life and her sexy billionaire husband to grace us with some new music because she could feel how badly we needed this.

Rapper Khia is largely known for her marginally successful single, “My Neck, My Back.”

A Twitter user with nine followers asked Khia about her opinion on Janet’s new single, “No Sleeep” and for some reason Khia felt that the people had spoken and she was obligated to hand down her opinion.

The Defendant: Idolator

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Khia is cooking up some struggle beef. There is nobody with an ounce of sense who gives a damn about Khia’s thoughts on Janet Jackson.

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Also, you can’t shade anyone if you’re not making any goddamn sense. Khia, girl, remix what? Upstage who? Watch you do WHOZAWHATSIT NOW?

This is shade like “My Neck, My Back” is a church hymn.

The Ruling: Not shade

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000098

Images via ABC and Katherine Heigl’s Instagram.

The Case: A quick refresher before we start: Shonda Rhimes got her Snoop Dogg on and dropped Katherine Heigl from Grey’s Anatomy back in 2010 after the actress publicly threw a tantrum and talked a bunch of shit.

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Earlier this year, Rhimes also dropped Patrick Dempsey, AKA Derek Shepherd, from the medical drama after he maybe had an affair with an intern.

Katherine Heigl’s was starring in NBC’s State of Affairs before it was canceled after one season.

The lessons to take from all this is that Shonda Rhimes doesn’t play around and there is no love lost between her and Heigl. Recently, Katherine Heigl was asked what she thought about Derek Shepherd’s exit from the show because entertainment news shows have got to fill all that airtime somehow.

The Defendant: Katherine Heigl

The Evidence: Her response, as Us Weekly reports:

“I just can’t even imagine the show without McDreamy,” she told Entertainment Tonight. “I just can’t! It’s so hard to picture.”

The Deliberation: So, you have to approach this statement remembering that one, Heigl is likely still a bit sour about being axed and two, she knows good and well that Grey’s Anatomy ain’t going anywhere.

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Oh, you can’t imagine the show without McDreamy? That’s funny because the show is obviously going to continue. Is she trying to say that Grey’s Anatomy is going to be cancelled soon? Perhaps. But she mostly seems to be saying that it’s probably going to suck now.

The Ruling: Shade

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000099

Images via Fox News and Barack Obama’s Instagram.

The Case: President Obama appeared on Marc Maron’s podcast and blew. America’s. mind. In addition to saying the n-word in a highly contextual and not at all offensive manner, Obama had a few words to share about Fox News. I truly hope this is the beginning of the “I Don’t Even Give A Fuck Anymore Tour” from the Obama family because, seriously, they deserve it.

The Defendant: President Barack Obama

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Part of me feels that President Obama doesn’t necessarily even shade with intention. His complete disdain and exasperation with these clowns at Fox News and for many of the Republicans in Congress just shines through in its own special way without any effort from the Commander-In-Chief.

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He didn’t say that Fox News is made up of a bunch of evil, delusional clods who lie on national television day in and day out. He said that they inhabit a world with completely different facts.

The definition of “fact” is: a thing that is indisputably the case.

Indisputably! Yet, somehow, Fox News disputes.

He didn’t say they deal with different “information” or different “analysis” or “opinions.” Barry said they deal with different facts from the rest of the world and that reading the New York Times can’t save these idiots. It’s that brilliant yet sly word choice that brings this one home.

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It’s pretty obvious that he’s talking shit about Fox News even so, the way he was able to work in this specific insult is perfection.

The Ruling: Shade

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000100

Images via Apple and Diplo’s Instagram.

The Case: Taylor Swift wrote an open letter to Apple criticizing them for not paying artists for music streamed during the free trial period of their new subscription service, Apple Music. A hot minute later, Apple “changed its mind” and decided that nah, ok, they’ll pay artists during the trial period.

The Defendant: Diplo

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Open letters directed specifically at the so-called target of shade are not shade. Taylor literally spelled out what she thought of Apple’s policy and threatened to not allow them to stream her music. Plus, I’m not sure that something qualifies as shade when your “shade” is actually a boon to the other party. Basically, Taylor got played and there ain’t no shade in that.

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I would also like to add that I think I speak for everyone when I say that: Anything that makes Diplo—highly paid DJ—more money is far from a victory.

Not sure what else I expected from the man who enlisted a team of fat ass-deficient white girls to “twerk” in one of his videos. Diplo is a sad, confused man.

The Ruling: Not shade

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000101

Image via Wikipedia.

The Case: Gay marriage is legal up in this bitch!

The Defendant: Lauren Duca, Huffington Post

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: I’m really happy for you but, no.

No.

Not at all.

What?

The Ruling: Go away


Contact the author at kara.brown@jezebel.com .