Hello and welcome to Shade Court. Before we honor people who have valiantly sacrificed for our nation, let’s not honor many of the people below.

In this week’s Shade Court, Cosmopolitan loses its mind, Jennifer Lopez does the minimal work required, and I finally address the grossly overblown rumor of Nicki Minaj vs Tyga.

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000081

The Case: Bruce Jenner allowed E! to delve even deeper into his business with a two-part special, Keeping Up With the Kardashians: About Bruce. Bruce Jenner’s son and reality star in his own right, Brody Jenner, was asked why he didn’t appear on the very special episodes.

The Defendant: Brody Jenner

The Evidence: According to Us Magazine:

“No, I didn’t actually see the Kardashian special,” Jenner, 31, told Us at the Gran Centenario Angels In The Sky Event in West Hollywood. “I didn’t watch that, but I heard it went well.”

While the Hills hunk and his big brother Brandon (as well as half-siblings Burt and Casey) did not appear in the special, Brody had positive words about the two-part revelation. “I heard it was great,” he told Us. “Everything is all good.”

Emphasis mine.

The Deliberation: Now, it’s no secret that Brody has had a rocky relationship with the Kardashian Klan, which, yeah, I get that. Is it because they became more famous than him? Because Kris Jenner repeatedly spoke to his father on camera like he was an idiot? Is the narcissism in that household so suffocating that you need an oxygen mask just to last ten minutes? WHO KNOWS.

Advertisement

The fact is, Brody has been side-eyeing this group for some time. He didn’t even show up to Kim’s wedding but, rather hilariously, did attend her ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush’s wedding to a Kim look-alike.

You’ll also note that even though the special was about Bruce, it was still produced under the Keeping Up With the Kardashians banner, even though Bruce Jenner is not a Kardashian.

I love that he said he “heard” it was good. Oh? Who did you hear that from, Brody? And the fact that he referred to the show as “that” was sly yet revealing. Good work, Brody. XX

The Ruling: Shade

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000082

The Case: Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey do not like each other; this we know to be true. Mariah Carey performed during the Billboard Music Awards and Jenny from the block pretended to be enthralled with her Instagram feed during much of the performance. Naturally, it was all caught on camera.

The Defendant: TMZ

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: The feud between The Voyage of the Mimi and JLo is one of my favorite things on Earth. They are both such unrelenting divas and the bullshit between them is so goddamn trifling and keeps reaching new lows.

Advertisement

JLo, girl, we know what you were doing. According to reports, she was looking at her phone during the entirety of Mariah’s performance. You have to remember that Jennifer Lopez definitely knew she was probably being filmed—she’s at a damn awards show. If nothing else, it’s 2015 and she’s in a room full of people who voluntarily attended the Billboard Music Awards, you know somebody was gonna Instagram that shit.

What’s also interesting here is that JLo’s shade-throwing amounting to her just sitting there trying to do the absolute least. The move was so delicately petty that it barely even registers on the shade scale because she didn’t even really do anything. However, I’ll allow it, because JLo’s total lack of action nonetheless let Mariah know clearly that five-hour old Instagrams were more interesting than her performance.

The Ruling: Shade

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000083

The Case: Earlier this week, Nicki Minaj and Beyoncé dropped the video for “Feeling Myself.” If you’re like me and don’t have Tidal, you’ve watched it through Tumblr gifs, Vine videos and Tidal bootlegs. Wasn’t that fun?

In the video, Nicki wears a Givenchy mesh top emblazoned with the word “pervert” and the number 17. Within about an hour of the video being out, the internet was abuzz with the rumor that Nicki’s top was a reference—shade—to Tyga about the fact that he’s dating 17-year-old Kylie Jenner. YES SHE’S BACK AGAIN, I’M SORRY.

The Defendant: A lot of you

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: This is a neat little story, isn’t it? Nicki Minaj uses a major platform to shame Tyga over the fact that his girlfriend cannot vote. The problem is that there are zero facts to back it up, and there’s a much simpler explanation.

Advertisement

The only thing that bolsters this case in the favor of the defendants is that we know there’s bad blood between Tyga and the Young Money record label, of which Nicki Minaj is a member. However, that’s about the only thing in their favor. The top Nicki was wearing isn’t custom-made or even something new. It’s a Givenchy insignia that has been around for quite some time.

Further, if Nicki was indeed trying to throw shade, are we seriously supposed to believe that she just happened to recall that Givenchy made this shirt and specifically requested that her stylist put it in the video? What’s most funny about this is that here is Nicki—out here eating burgers and making carefree black girl music videos with Beyoncé—and people think that she gives even half a shit about taking shots at Tyga.

Tyga.

Tyga.

Like, a baby saying “tiger” and spelled with a “y.”

Please.

Plus, she recently tweeted something pretty nice directed towards Kylie, which would be a weird fucking thing to do after publicly calling her boyfriend a pervert.

The Ruling: Not shade

Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000084

The Case: Who even knows.

The Defendant: Cosmopolitan’s social media team

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: What in the hell?

The Ruling: Get some help

Images via Getty; Wikipedia; Cosmopolitan. Top image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age.


Contact the author at kara.brown@jezebel.com .

Click here to view this kinja-labs.com embed.