The Oscars are tomorrow night, crew, and I'm already preparing myself for E!s typically-obnoxious red carpet special. As part of this preparation, I've decided to give the red carpet "Fashion Police" a taste of their own medicine.
The Offender: Giuliana Rancic I don't even really care what Rancic wears on the red carpet—even if it is an apparent knock-off of Regina George's Spring Fling gown from
5-7-91-3-5—but her attitude towards other women's bodies is so shitty and distorted that she should be fined $500 for every comment she makes about someone else's weight. If there was a way to disemvowel someone over the television, I'd bleep out 98% of the vowels Rancic uses when describing everyone else's looks. Take the body-snark down a notch, Rancic. You're there to judge the dresses, not the diets.
The Offender: Jay Manuel I know he has a "look," but the man has been wearing a variation on the same outfit (signature silver hair, shiny jacket) for what, 5 years now? During the Grammy's, he kept pushing all of the actresses into E's! idiotic 360 cam and demanding that they take it seriously, while the men, on the other hand, were allowed to have fun and pose in wacky ways. The red carpet is not ANTM, Jay! You can't tell the women how to pose and dismiss them if they don't cooperate! These ladies have already made it, thanks, and they don't really need your help or your nausea-creating camera zone.
The Offender: Debbie Matenopolous You can not show up to an awards show in an animal-print dress and a Mystic Tan and then proceed make fun of everyone else's clothing. You just can't. Period. The end. Lights out. Girl, bye.
The Offender: Joan Rivers: It's actually a bit impossible to criticize Rivers, as everyone knows she's there for one reason and one reason only: to make fun of people. She makes fun of herself more than she makes fun of anyone else, which is why she can wear this Galadriel-meets-Sunset Boulevard ensemble and get away with it. I'm actually relieved that Rivers is back with E! this year, as it might provide at least a little comic relief from the dud known as Seacrest.
The Offender: Ryan Seacrest Seacrest spends most of his red carpet time kissing ass, trying to looking cool, and trying to avoid the awkwardness that springs up when he's snubbed by the likes of Angelina Jolie. He also makes extremely inappropriate passes at many of the actresses (nothing to prove, y'all!) and is generally skeezy to the majority of the women he encounters. Ryan, relax. We don't care. Really. Honestly. Please don't feel the need to make a really skeevy comment about someone's boobs on our behalf. We'll get by.
The Offender: Nancy O'Dell: Do we even need to go over this? Nancy O'Dell consistently wears dresses that should end up on the Worst Dressed list. Also, she has earned a lifetime spot on the Jezebel Fashion Shit List (co-signed by Hortense Gorey and Sadie Stein) for screwing Austin Scarlett over during Season 1 of Project Runway. We have not forgotten, Nancy!
The Offender: Khloe Kardashian: We all know that Khloe Kardashian is not a member of the "Fashion Police" because she has any fashion credibility whatsoever. She's there because she has a show on E! and its convenient cross-promotion. And though Khloe's own red carpet attire leaves something to be desired, for some reason I think she'll be nice to the majority of the celebrities (the Paula Abdul spot, if you will) so I'm willing to give her a bit of a break.
The Offender: All Of Us At Home: I'm sitting here in jeans and a t-shirt with a bicycle on it from 7th grade, and I totally plan to make fun of people's dresses in the comments tomorrow. And I know my mom will probably do the same thing! And my boyfriend! And maybe even my dog! And so will you guys! We are such jerks! But at least we're jerks from the privacy of our own homes, you know? I mean, there's popcorn there. And gin. And no 360-degree queasy cam. So we're really the winners here. And best of all, we get to police the fashion police. You're on notice, Rancic & Co.!
So what are you looking for on the red carpet tomorrow, crew? Anything you hope to see? Anything that will surely make you wince? Feel free to post your fashion wish-lists in the comments.
[Before you ask, that's not a picture of me, or my couch. But it is a picture provided, as all of these images are, by Getty.]