Saturday Night Social: Suzanne Somers' Home Intrusion Video Is a Modern Camp Masterpiece

Illustration for article titled Saturday Night Social: Suzanne Somers' Home Intrusion Video Is a Modern Camp Masterpiece
Screenshot: Facebook

No one has asked me to identify the first great work of Biden-era art. Nevertheless, I persist: It is this video of Suzanne Somers dealing with a home intruder during a livestream in which she repeatedly breaks the fourth wall to silently mug for the camera as if to say “Mamma mia!”, “Oh, brother!”, and “Can you believe this guy?”

Some context: On Friday, the legendary sitcom actress of Three’s Company and Step by Step fame hosted a makeup tutorial for her fans, TMZ reports, which she streamed live from her home over Facebook Live. It would appear as if she’s outside, possibly in the backyard of her 25-acre Palm Springs estate, which she’s currently listing for $8.5 million, though I’m not exactly sure. 

At some point during the Live, Somers tells her off-camera husband, Alan Hamel, that she thinks she hears someone. “Over here,” says the unseen intruder, who identifies himself as Aaron Carpenter. She spends the next minute and a half calmly talking to Carpenter, who explains that “ghosts” (or “goats”?) chased him up there. He offers her a gift, which she declines. “You seem like a very nice person, but you shouldn’t be here,” she tells him. Finally, he takes the hint.

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The whole ordeal would be horrifying to witness (even typing it up here, I’m like “Harron, what’s wrong you????”) if not for how Somers keeps breaking the tension with her straight-to-camera deadpanning. If a home intruder broke into my home while I was doing a makeup tutorial for my fans, as one does, I really don’t think I’d have the wherewithal to give my viewers all 36 of my famed expressions on top of trying to ask the intruder to kindly get the hell out of my house. But Somers did! I am truly in awe. Get this woman back on TV!

Freelance journalist (GQ, W, Esquire, elsewhere), here on weekends

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snide-o-mite
Snide-O-Mite

I need help because I’m going fucking crazy.

I work for a public health agency. My life hasn’t been normal in a year. I’m in my agency’s leadership.

Excessive meetings were always a problem. It didn’t help that the male (!) employees had wives so they freely scheduled meetings early in the morning, as late as 10 PM, and during the whole day on the weekends. I pushed back successfully by not showing all the time. No one noticed my absence anyway. 

But ever since Biden became president, we’ve got a bunch of military, ex-military, and consultants who have billable hours who want meetings all day long, seven days a week. Seriously, I have a twice daily call seven days a week with men (always men!) suggesting we need to meet in addition to that as well. I emailed the head guy today with a question after our morning meeting, and he asked me if we needed another meeting before our 6 PM meeting tonight. Why?!??

Yesterday, I had meetings back to back. Standard. At the end of the day, some dude, who’d been in every meeting that I was in, asked me for a progress update. I said, “I’ve been in meetings all day.” and left it at that.

Oh and forget blocking off time on my calendar. No one checks them anymore. That’s why I end up with four meetings at the same time. When I gently suggest we need to chill on the meetings, a zillion people remind me we’re in a pandemic and everyone’s schedule is that way.

There is zero thought to scheduling meetings. OMG. One guy insists on it, no one says no because we might miss something, and there’s another meeting.

What the fuck? I cannot wait for the matriarchy! Men, what is with your love of meetings?