Image: AP

Starting next month, a group of scientists embarks on a “DNA hunt” into the Loch Ness body of water to retrieve “an extraordinary amount of new knowledge” about “organisms that inhabit Loch Ness.” They have kindly given the project a hook for visionaries such as myself, which is: THE HUNT FOR THE LOCH NESS MONSTER.

Previous searches have turned up a sunken movie prop, a bullshit plesiosaur fossil, nothing (but a TV program), and a blob which has been ruled out as a fish, seal, or wood. A full-time monster hunter tragically ended his 24-year search in 2015 after concluding that Nessie was probably a large catfish, to our despair.

The team will use a process called eDNA sampling, which collects particles of scales, feathers, fur, pee, and other fragments creatures leave behind as they travel through the watery depths. The international team of researchers, led by Professor Neil Gemmell of New Zealand, has been careful to stress that the Loch Ness monster gimmick is fun and all, but really the meat of the project is to learn more about biodiversity, such as discovering new species of bacteria mermaids. Reuters reports that the team plans to present its findings in January 2019.

Happy long weekend, and watch out for river cobras!!!