Susan Orlean was fucking druuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunk last night.
Like many of us, the Orchid Thief author decided to announce that she was drunk on social media, tweeting “Drunk” on Friday night.
Also like many of us, Orlean followed that initial drunk tweet up with a couple dozen more drunk tweets, explaining how she got “stumbling drunk” in the first place (neighbor’s newborn colt viewing [wat]) and how her family feels about her state of inebriation (“I am@being shunned by my family…FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKERS”).
But unlike many of us, the writer’s under-240-character missives are all funny and relatably cathartic rather than unforgivably mortifying and “why did I show titties on main better go crawl into a fucking hole and die”-esque. I don’t know how she did it, but she did. Good for Susan! May all our future drunk tweets be this good.
In the interest of sharing her tweets with you slash hitting the minimum per-post wordcount I’m woefully short of as of These Here Words, here are some of my favorite tweets of Orlean’s from last night, all typed out. Have a good night, babes! Stay away from Twitter! Or actually don’t!!
- “I’m sure my neighbors did not notice AT ALL that I was stumbling drunk leaving f the casual neighborhood get together fuck yeah”
- “Seriously we went to my neighbors to see their newborn colt who was born like five mi utes ago and we had some wine”
- “Ok a newborn colt rocks it totally and he thought my hand was his mom. It was not. He has tasted life’s infinite tragedy. As I mentioned Earlier I am inebriated”
- “You guys. Do you tho k my neighbors think [thinking face emoji] I’m a. never mind I’m going f to bed”
- “You know I am currently trying to write a memoir and feel like a clown because WHO CARES ABOUR MY STUPID LIFE but maybe?”
- [replying to someone who offered to Venmo her for a copy of said memoir] “Yep ok my Venmo name is CLOWN WRITINGA MEMOIR”
- “Maybe I am drinking too much during THE FUCKING PANDEMIC”
- [replying to previous tweet] “Buehler? Yes I am”
- “I’m falling down drunk. First time in ages. Where is my kitty? He is my drunk comfort animal.”
- “I would like some candy”
- “BTW where exactly Is my fucking cat whe I need him”
- “Proud fo day my husband is super embarrassed by me”
- [replying to previous tweet] “I just read this and shuddered”
- “WHO IS SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING”
- “I am@being shunned by my family because I am drunk. Yes ok I am fine with that FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKERS”
- “No one on my house is talking to me right now ok!! YeH whatever I hzte you too”
- “Fuck the recycling. Going to look for candy which I bet doesn’t exists I. This house godd@@ Min it”
- “We do ha e so@e weird candy coated fennel seeds. Is that fucking candy?”
- “I@had no idea I made yogurt today. Wow.”
- “Having I f the stupid fennel seed candy because I ha e no options”
- “I am goi f to sleep. My husband has asked me five hundred rimes@if I am alright. That means it’s go to sleep o’clock”
- “I have SO NOT BEEN HACKED”
Bonus sober tweet from Saturday afternoon:
- “Thinking of starting a Twitter account. Seems like you have fun here, yes?”