Saturday Night Social: Hear Me Out…………Titanic 2

Illustration for article titled Saturday Night Social: Hear Me Out…………iTitanic 2/i
Screenshot: YouTube

Hello, she yelled from the bottom of her YouTube hole, her plants furious, neglected, and unwatered. I found something I would like to share with the rest of the class.

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On today’s excursion to the farthest reaches of the autoplay, I stumbled upon a handful of fan-made trailers for the Titanic sequel that will probably(?) never get made. Most of these hypothetical sequels concern Jack, who has been frozen in an ice block on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean for about a hundred years or so. A search team sent to retrieve the Heart of the Ocean necklace that Rose tossed into the waters at the end of the 1997 James Cameron film lugs him up, thaws him, and sets him loose on New York City where he must endure the indignity of watching Titanic: The Musical on Broadway and also grieving the loss of that girl he had sex with once, two fates surely worse than death.

The gold standard of these is one that appears to have been made by someone named Derek Johnson back in 2006, uploaded and reuploaded by other YouTube accounts over the years under various titles (Titanic 2 the Surface, Titanic 2: Jack’s Back). Watch it below.

I’d also like to give a special mention to this other fake Titanic sequel trailer for Titanic 2: The Return of Jack for bucking the apparent trend of fake Titanic sequels all being psychological thrillers about Jack going King Kong on the Big Apple. (Why would he be hung up on Rose? Wouldn’t he simply go out and have sex with more women and be fine?) In this one, Jack swims to shore and tracks Rose down in the postwar suburb she has since settled down in. They have kids despite her being like 60 years old and live happily ever after. Hate tension! A perfect film! Producers! Please! Finance her immediately!

Freelance journalist (GQ, Esquire, Out, elsewhere), here on weekends

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itssmallerontheoutside
ItsSmallerOnTheOutside

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