Sarah And Bristol Palin's Adventures In Self-Branding

Sarah and Bristol Palin have both submitted trademark applications for their names. The process has already hit some snags, but if it succeeds, we’re looking forward to a variety of Palin-brand products!

According to Politics Daily, the Palins both applied for trademarks in the fall. If the applications go through, Sarah Palin‘s name would be a registered trademark in the areas of “information about political elections,” “providing a website featuring information about political issues,” and “educational and entertainment services … providing motivational speaking services in the field of politics, culture, business and values.” Meanwhile, Bristol, the Brand would apply to “educational and entertainment services, namely, providing motivational speaking services in the field of life choices.” There are problems with both applications — neither is actually signed by the applicant, and the Patent Office says their examples of trademark use are insufficient (Sarah Palin’s examples are merely screenshots of websites where her name appears). Nonetheless, as Politics Daily‘s Suzi Parker notes, the Palins are masters of branding, and we have no doubt they’ll eventually triumph over those stodgy Patent Office pencil-pushers. And while we know their trademarks will only apply to political campaigning and public speaking, there are a few consumer products we’d like to see:

Bristol Palin Dancing Shoes

Slip on a pair of these babies, and you won’t need vote-fixing to come out on top! Could be manufactured by Candie’s.

Palin Pals All-American Cereal

Made of grain from the heartland, this delicious cereal is unencumbered by the health concerns of evil Marxists who want to take away your children’s fun. Made with plenty of wholesome high fructose corn syrup; red, white, and blue cookie pieces; and marshmallow salmon.

Bristol’s Life Choices ChastityPants

These stylish unisex undergarments constrict blood flow to the genitals, thus inhibiting sexual arousal. Special combination locks can be operated by parents, partners, or corporate sponsors. Comes in Purity White, Virginity Pink, and Blueballs Blue.

Sarah Palin’s Mama Grizzly Costume

Is your daughter’s boyfriend trying to sneak upstairs again? Maybe he’ll think twice next time if he’s attacked by a grizzly bear! This lifelike bear suit will turn a metaphorical Mama Grizzly into a real one, complete with teeth, claws, and authentic Roaring Action. Also useful for political rallies.

Wolves

But why merely dress as a terrifying wild animal, when you can have the real thing? Palin-brand wolves can surround your property, scaring off any pesky journalists who try to come too close. And when you get bored, you can shoot at them! Some may object to the idea of trademarking an entire species, especially one that existed for millennia before Sarah Palin ever walked the earth. These people are anti-business, and hate America.

Protecting The Palin Brand: Sarah And Bristol Go For Trademark Status [Politics Daily]