Sad Dancing With the Stars Diaries is a series in which we imagine the innermost feelings of Dancing With the Stars contestants, as written in their “journals.”
I am humiliated. I’m not sure what I thought it would be like when I accepted ABC’s invitation to be a guest judge on DWTS. The producers made it seem like it would be such an honor—I was set to judge “Famous Dances Night” and the idea was that since I was one half of the most famous dance in American cinema history, it would be a big deal for me to be there. And I even got excited for it. But silly Olivia, getting her hopes up for no reason, yet again.
The Grease dance was first, great. But instead of making sure that some person of a reasonable age and knowledge of social norms performed the dance, since, after all, I flew in from Florida for this cock-up, they had a young pretty child named Hayes Grier perform the number only after saying over and over in his package how he had never seen the film. And he had no idea who I was.
And also it turns out it was all a publicity stunt because Fox is doing Grease: Live! or some nonsense and Julianne Hough is playing Sandy. Great, wonderful.
So they did the dance—it was underwhelming but I gave them a nice score because I can only give so many shits—and then Hayes comes up to me and hugs me as if I’m some kind of elderly prop that exists only to legitimize his journey as a dancer? And says, “Oh, it’s such an honor to get to do this in front of Olivia Newton-John.” Well guess what, fuck boy? I was not impressed. John Travolta may be an insane space alien but he is infinitely more talented than this young internet accident.
Oh and then they have American pop star Andy Grammer do the dance from Singin’ in the Rain, which is a classic, obviously. I worked with Gene, twats. But the judges did not wait even a breath before saying that this dance and this movie are their favorites of all time. I was sitting right there and I had to feign as if I wasn’t repeatedly throwing up and re-swallowing it and sending my agent expletives under the table.
And then, the night wasn’t even all legitimate classic movie dances— they had the contestants do numbers from Britney Spears, Madonna, Janet Jackson, oh, and Magic Mike. Bloody wonderful that I came out here to be honored and ended up getting crapped on more than I previously thought was possible. By the end, it was clear I was having a foul time because my comments were just, “Wow!” and “You were lovely!” and “Kill me swiftly!”
I am 67-years-old and I am hot for a 30-year-old and I will not subject myself to this degradation again. Peace the fuck out, ABC.
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Image via ABC.