On this summer afternoon, I urge you to consider the following: rosé is an alcoholic beverage and should remain that way.
It seems silly to harp on what should be a widely-accepted fact, but various products in the lifestyle space have forced me to take a hard stance. Rosé and its accepted variation, frosé, is wine, best enjoyed in the vessel of your choice. I like mine in a pint glass with ice and a dash of seltzer, if I’m being honest, but I’m not an oenophile and will not pretend to be! Even so, I know in my heart of hearts that rosé is nothing other than a refreshing summertime beverage that can be enjoyed into the fall if you desire.
Despite understanding the true nature of rosé, I feel it’s important to reassert this truth in the face of the fradulent rosé-adjacent products that have recently become popular. There’s rosé ice cream, which tastes like “sweet, slightly fruity ice cream” with “a strong taste of rosé”—essentially strawberry ice cream with a weird, wine-y aftertaste. There are rosé gummies and rosé doughnuts, both of which are readily available in many other flavors that are far superior to whatever abomination artificial wine tastes like. If you want to really embrace that Rosé Lyfe, feel free to swab rosé-scented deodorant under your arms and dress your body in any of these horrible garments that scream your affection for freaking pink wine loud and clear.
What does rosé smell like? What does it taste like? Wine. It smells and tastes like wine, because it is wine. It belongs in a glass, consumed on a fetid summer day from the privacy of your own home or in the confines of an air conditioned bar.
Don’t do this. Put that rosé lip balm down. Remove the tank top that screams your allegiance to the Rosé Lifestyle from your online shopping cart and close the tab. Drink your rosé! That’s what it’s there for.