Rosé Berries Are an Abomination

Rosé’s rebranding as Instagram’s favorite wine has cursed us with many obscenities, including tee shirts that read “Rosé All Day” and the term “Rosé season.” But the rosé flavored frankenberry (not to be confused with Frankenberry cereal, which offers nothing but joy) is a horror too far, and something must be done.

Driscoll is introducing limited edition “rosé” strawberries and raspberries, which are the color of surgical drainage and are meant to have a “sweet, peachy flavor paired with a soft floral finish.”


Nothing about the sickly look of these monster hybrids inspires confidence in allowing one entrance to my body, especially since I have ready access to a foodstuff packed with peach flavor called peaches.

If anyone would like to organize some manner of protest in which we hoist our pitchforks to the gloomy skies outside the castle where Driscoll scientists are doing unspeakable things to hoards of innocent berries, please invite me. I’m very fun at protests.

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