HBO’s Succession is a modern-day, American Downton Abbey that begs the question, “What if the Trumps had Murdoch money and were smart?” The answer is that they might understand how jokes work and would definitely still be evil.
Of the four Roy children all vying for their father’s empire, youngest son Roman, played by Kieran Culkin, is the clear would. Not only does Culkin put one in mind of a young-and-still-trying Robert Downey Jr., but the character of Roman is also not a soppy, reiki-loving Republican like Connor, and zero of his scenes involve him sadly doing bumps out of his anatomical snuff box to a morose piano soundtrack like Kendall. So despite the fact that Roman Roy’s penis does not work, he has heretofore been named the most fuckable Roy.
But the question remains, which character is the heir apparent in bangability to Roman? Who is the COO of the fuckable Roys?
Kendall
Despite all the sad sniffing and the fact that his expression is perpetually that of a child who has just hit its head and is looking for an adult in order to determine whether it should commence wailing, Kendall seems an obvious, if dreary, second choice. Though the Jezebel staff will have none of it.
Clover: Kendall would be so sad doing it.
Ashley: I would not Kendall.
Julianne: Let’s shut down the Kendall discourse.
Cousin Greg
Cousin Greg is too tall to rest comfortably on a loft bed, which makes him both beddable and not beddable. Schrödinger’s beddable.
Ashley: Greg tall.
Molly: Greg? Gross.
Clover: Too tall.
Katie: Roman, then Greg.
Julianne: It’s Kieran, Cousin Greg, and Tom.
Tom
It is a testament to Matthew Macfayden’s performances in Death at a Funeral and Pride and Prejudice that I could watch Tom squeal like a pig for capitalism in Season 2 and still adamantly maintain that Macfayden-as-Tom remains a definite would.
Emily: Matthew Macfadyen is also a would ever since Death at a Funeral.
Katie: Ugh, Tom makes me wanna actually die. Which means he’s good in the role.
Kelly: I just can’t believe Mr. Darcy is on it.
Ashley: Mr. Darcy is great in it.
Disqualified for being too obvious:
Shiv
Shiv is hot, and her name is dangerous. Universal would.
Molly: Is Shiv somehow not in this ranking or did I miss because, uh…
Katie: Actually hot.
Julianne: Shiv is the actual only hot one.
Katie: Which is why she is somehow disqualified in my mind.
Julianne: Hm, yeah, because too obvious.
Katie: Like the attraction to a Succession character can only be in a punishing kind of hate yourself way.
Marcia
The third Mrs. Logan Roy is in possession of a condescending continental manner that is undeniably appealing. If the series doesn’t end with Logan Roy accidentally dying in much the same manner as Marcia’s five previous husbands and a final shot of the black-veiled Roy widow boarding a private jet to fly back to Europe with the entire family fortune, then we’ve all wasted our time.
Joan: Sorry to these men, but I’m only here for Marcia.
Emily: She treats all the Roy children like they are the second Ms. de Winter.
So if Roman were forced from his place at the top of the hierarchy, which Roy would u?