Robin Thicke, a vengeful spirit who can be summoned by uttering "blundering male chauvinist" thrice into a dark mirror over a derivative R&B beat, has just done an interview with Elle. In it, he revisits all of Robin Thicke's Greatest Hits: he's despicably sleazy! He lacks any semblance of self-awareness! He talks about women like objects/property!
Here are the five vilest things he said in a very short span of time:
5. On his dad's relationships:
My dad was single my whole pubescent period. [Laughs] He had Ms. Alabama, Ms. Dominican Republic—every week. I was like, Dang, Pops.
Thicke's dad "had" women whose worth was determined by their pageant title. It seems fairly clear that Thicke envisions them as ornamental sex-props that come with bragging rights, not real humans that his father had relationships with. They're just the topless dancers parading around the hot tub party that was his father's life, I guess.
4.On whether he gets jealous when his wife has to kiss other men as part of her job (she's an actress):
Who wouldn’t? [Laughs] Those are my lips.
Thicke "has" his wife in holy matrimony, so all of her body parts belong to him.
3. On the advice his dad gave him as a young man:
We were on vacation and some pretty girl walked by. I started ogling her like a 12-year-old boy, and he said,“I know she’s pretty, but you stared at her and followed her across the room. What if there’s a prettier girl sitting two tables away? Now she’s not going to feel special. She’ll say, ‘You look at all the girls like that.’ You’ve gotta play it cool so you don’t look like you're desperate.”
Don't ogle women creepily. This is NOT because no woman likes being to reduced to a sex object or some kind of carnal prey; it's quite the opposite! Women love being stared down by a stranger with hungry eyes. They can't get enough of it. It's FLATTERING. The only problem is that your lascivious and open gawking might upset a cuter lady who's more worthy of your penetrative male gaze.
2. On whether he fights with his wife ever:
Oh yeah! Lock up the golf clubs.
The reporter from Elle, who was probably baffled and mortified by his response, asked, "For whose protection?" Thicke's response:
[Laughs] For everybody. Just lock it up! If you don’t fight, then you don’t care. If you’re not fighting for the relationship, you need to move on.
Ha-ha. Spouses acting violent towards each other. Just part of your average healthy dynamic.
1. On the size of his penis:
Listen, compared to my son, I’m packing. If I’m next to LeBron James? It’s probably not quite as impressive.
Yep, Robin Thicke is actually comparing his penis to the penis of his three-year-old son. He is putting his penis on a spectrum that extends to "my toddler's penis" to "Lebron James' penis," i.e., from "creepy" to "racist." "Compared to my son, I'm packing" is a sentence that Robin Thicke deemed appropriate to say in an interview. I don't think it's necessary to elaborate on that point.
Robin Thicke is an idiot. It's miraculous that he's managed to cling onto his completely myopic brand of sexism following all the criticism his "Blurred Lines" NSFW video received — but I guess clinging to myopia is the rich, white manchild's prerogative.
"Robin Thicke on Women" [Elle]
Image via Getty.