Rihanna Rihport: EMERGENCY NEW SONG EDITION, AHHHH

Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.

DATELINE: Rihanna, January 24—Much of the world slept Saturday evening while the Western Hemisphere, just preparing for dinner time, was bombarded with an unexpected attack: the casually dropped and lifechanging release of A NEW RIHANNA SONG AAHHHHHHHHHH! (SCROLL DOWN TO HEAR!)

Earlier this week the queen god Rihanna’s friend Kanye (West) totally played it for some fools at some iHeartMedia summit as a teaser, and reports said that it was a guitar ballad featuring Sir Paul McCartney, who is a British man who is a fan of denim, was in a band called the Beatles, and is now Kanye’s adoptive dad. We were like whatever Paul McCartney and Kanye who even are you because RIHANNA IN THE BUILDING, SUCKAS! And then this happened and we were like AHHHHHHHHH!

When the Rihport first heard it was going to be a guitar song we were like um oh man but then it’s awesome and perfect because THE QUEEN JESUSINA FENTY is fully on here like “fuck my haters I’m saannnnnnng,” and she’s like “in four, five seconds from wiling” on a Tuesday or Wednesday even though it’s not even the weekend and wow, as people with jobs and stress in equal measure, we FEEL you Fenty, goddamn goddamn.

Kanye’s on here too doing some shit and also a baby that might be Paul McCartney is ad-libbing behind his verse but whatever-whatever because RIHANNNAAAAAA. It’s really cool right now because Rihanna is getting older and now she is having some perspective on her life and reflecting about how she’s been treated like some kind of supermaniac but really she’s just out here trying to deal with the bullshit, you know? There’s SO much bullshit! And Rihanna “just can’t apologize, I hope you can understand” which YUSSSS MY QUEEN, never apologize because apologizing is bullshitttttt, DO YOU. SMOKE WEED AND FREE YR NIPPLES AND DATE LEONARDO DICAPRIO AND WHOEVER ELSE YOU WANT, AT THE SAME DAMN TIME, BECAUSE YOU ARE OUR QUEEN AND GODDESS WHO WILL LIVE IN ETERNITY FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN. WHO IS PAUL MCCARTNEY, ALSO? DOES HE DO ANYTHING ON THIS SONG OR WHAT. AHHHHHH!