Image via Virgin Voyages

Now that Virgin Americaā€”home of moody lighting and the abundantly creepy seat-to-seat chat optionā€”has been handed over to Alaska Airlines, (Sir) Richard Branson is at long last fulfilling his lifeā€™s ultimate purpose: Getting his adults-only cruise line off the ground.

Virgin Voyages was first announced in 2015, but the project stalled for a couple of years while Branson was engaged in other matters. But on Tuesday, he dropped 200 feet from the sky into a Miami shipyard to announce that the cruise line would finally be underway in 2020. Also, no one under the age of 18 will be allowed. As Branson toldĀ CondĆ© Nast Traveler:

We want to get people whoā€™d never dream of going on a cruise ship. Weā€™re going to start without kids, which will make me a very unpopular granddad. It sends a message. I think there are a lot of people who find that kids running around a cruise ship gets in the way of their holiday. But then Iā€™m sure weā€™ll become kids-friendly with a ship down the line.

Cruises are the ideal vacation for families with kids, since the ships are effectively their own fortified little islands where they can eat soft serve ā€˜til they puke, leaving the actual business of puke-cleaning to a clench-jawed staff member. And unlike at malls or amusement parks, parents donā€™t have to worry that their child is going to get lost in a endless expanse of manicured bushes or Aeropostales if they turn around for five seconds to pay for a funnel cake. Whereā€™s a kid going to go on a cruise ship? Into the engine room? Into the ocean? Terrible options, both, but probably pretty unlikely. Surely they have a ā€œPlease Keep Out of the Oceanā€ sign or an electric fence or something.

But kids also do all sorts of awful things, including but not limited to repeatedly shitting in the Mickey pool. I am sure Branson envisions a blissfully shit-free experience for grownups looking to take in several gallonsā€™ worth of martinis without the screech of a single toddler or shrill whine of a bored teen. I donā€™t think itā€™ll work, though.

Abolishing kids is certainly not a guarantee that shitting in pools wonā€™t happen, since drunk adultsā€”especially drunk adults temporarily liberated from the sticky shackles of parenthoodā€”tend to be just as horrible as children, if not worse. I mean, the only person to have managed to fall off the side of a cruise ship in recent years was a 35-year-old man. I also donā€™t recall the last time a group of babies got hammered and started brawling on a Carnival Cruise to Mexico, or the last time a five-year-old tossed an 18-ton anchor off the side of a Holland America ship after a night of partying.


What Iā€™m saying is: The only good cruise is a cruise with literally no other passengers on it, adult or child. Please let me know when thatā€™s in the works.