Rest Easy, The World's Billionaires Have Formed a Yacht Flotilla to Fight Climate Change

Years ago, when I was but a wee, goth child, one of my favorite stories was Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Masque of the Red Death,” wherein a bunch of elites hide in a castle to avoid the plague, like, well, the plague, only to have the titular red death gate crash anyway. This week’s twenty-first century reboot found 200 of the world’s wealthiest people gathered on a flotilla of yachts to discuss climate change away from the distasteful eyesores of plastic-choked sealife and half-melted glaciers.

At a Google-sponsored rich people summer camp, the world’s nobles, including two prominent English Harrys (Prince and Styles, respectively), along with noted environmental scientists Leonardo DiCaprio, Katy Perry, and Orlando Bloom, brainstormed to fix this pesky global warming once and for all. Their solution involved flying a combined total of 114 private jets to Sicily and creating a massive floating island of “mega-yachts” where Coldplay provided a live soundtrack to their party talk of greenhouse gasses and the potentially amusing prospect of watching the unwashed fight to the death for potable water. Prince Harry also reportedly delivered an impassioned speech about the environment while barefoot and presumably holding a plate of humpback whale crudo.

This morning, all the fancy people anticlimactically left Prospero’s floating abbey, which is annoying. A faithful update would have seen a mysterious, blood-spattered polar bear swimming from yacht to yacht holding illimitable dominion over all. [Page Six]

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Tana Mongeau wants the world to know that her marriage to Jake Paul is not just for “fun and content.” So naturally, she has tweeted that she does actually love her husband:

“i understand ppls frustration with this sound bite from the show & it’s the last thing i wanna talk about right now but obviously i just uploaded an 8 minute youtube video on how much i love Jake & am not tryna look like that much of a sociopath hahahahahaha”

Sure, it’s all fun and content until someone looks like a sociopath. hahahahahaha. [Perez Hilton]

• Another little Duggar. [Page Six]
• If there is room for one more in celebrity chef Daniel Humm’s new relationship with Laurene Powell Jobs, please consider including me, as I’ve so often longed to be in a throuple with snacks and money. [Page Six]
• R. Kelly is “deathly afraid of flying” and had to be medicated for his flight to face charges of racketeering and sexual exploitation of children in Brooklyn. [Page Six]