Rep. Katie Porter Ventures Into Ted Cruz's Head, Finds an Empty Whiteboard

Traversing the mind of a man can be a dangerous, confusing journey. But minivan motorist and whiteboard warrior Rep. Katie Porter is fearless to go where others dare not tread. In an interview with Vanity Fair, Porter discussed the impeachment process and organizing her colleagues, but spared a moment to peer inside Ted Cruz’s head. “I’m not going to put myself in the shoes of people like Ted Cruz,” she said, before doing just that. “I struggle to understand how he thinks, if [thinking] is what goes on in his head at all.” After I fell on the floor laughing, I picked myself up again and called my favorite tattoo guy to ask how soon I could get a portrait of Katie Porter looking into Ted Cruz’s empty skull etched onto my back.

Ted Cruz was not the only man on Porter’s hit-list throughout the interview. Porter, a single mom who knows how to run a schedule, had time for another Republican in need of a healthy verbal smackdown, Mitch McConnell. “So as much as I completely opposed Mitch McConnell on corporate immunity—that was a very wrong, wrong priority—what has made me most angry about him, or disappointed in him, or frustrated with him, is his refusal to bring bills to the Senate floor. Because that is a broken democracy.” Porter also outlined some of the ways in which a broken democracy can be repaired like generational diversity among elected officials, long-term aid for Americans throughout the pandemic, and Diet Dr. Pepper as a stress reliever.

Other than roasting Ted Cruz and McConnell, an act that I truly believe will unite this country during these trying times, Porter shared an important upgrade happening to her blue Toyota Sienna. Likely after reading my well-intentioned but seething comparison of her Sienna to the superior Dodge Grand Caravan, Porter has decided to slap some new vanity plates on her car that read, “OVRSITE,” a nod to all the good times she’s given us while working on the Committee on Oversight and Reform. This increases her car’s cool points to an incalculable level and certainly makes it better than my KIA Niro, but again I go back to where are the stow and go seats?