Car Enthusiast Katie Porter Doesn't Want to Hear About Your Escalade

Illustration for article titled Car Enthusiast Katie Porter Doesnt Want to Hear About Your Escalade
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Representative Katie Porter joined the ranks of “illustrious guests” to appear on Showtime’s Desus and Mero Thursday night. Porter, known for viciously roasting bankers and politicians alive on national television, joined the Bodega Boys to talk about how she’s been balancing work and family while practicing social distancing. What was not expected were Porter’s hot takes on the optimal suburban mom van.

Porter, who drives a blue Toyota Sienna, had a message for the other moms in her neighborhood driving Escalades. “They look down on me ‘cause I drive the van? Then those bitches want to borrow my van ‘cause none of that shit fits in the Escalade.” The cul-de-sac is shook.

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Far be it from me to go against a Harvard professor but if we’re talking mom vans then the only one really worth talking about is the Dodge Grand Caravan. Yes, Toyota makes longer-lasting cars that Porter will probably be able to hand down to her children’s children’s grandchildren but there is one thing that makes the Dodge Grand Caravan superior to the Sienna: stow-and-go seating.

Stow-and-go seating (standard in the Dodge Grand Caravan) is a game-changer in ways I didn’t understand until the day I had to deliver some very important party materials for the birthday party of a person I cannot name, but it rhymes with “halo.” Stow-and-go seating allows for the second and third row of the minivan to be folded completely into the floor creating a flat surface in the back for large white flower arrangements and matching white balloons.

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Meanwhile, the Toyota Sienna has split-n-stow for the third row. Only the third row!? In fairness to the Toyota Sienna the middle row which is two seats can be removed but who has that kind of time? Stow the seats in the floor or give me nothing.

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chocolate covered raisons d'être

Porter is one of the very few bright spots in this increasingly vicious hellscape.