I never thought I would have the need to write the words "tingling peppermint vagina," but at long last that day has come.
This latest installment of "Awful Things That Can Happen in Your Private Parts" comes to us courtesy of a Redditor named Mizmudah and it serves as a good reminder to pay attention to what you're putting on or near your crotch.
Since it was close to that time of the month, Mizmudah loaded up on supplies including tampons and panty liners, which were not individually wrapped. Good for the planet, terrible for hiding in your purse. "I didn't want to just throw in my mess of a backpack," she wrote about her panty liners. "So I placed it in my wallet and made a mental note to myself not to accidentally try and pay for my lunch with it later in the day." OH CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE. (What do you mean, you can't make change for a Kotex? The patriarchy strikes again, dammit!")
Everything was fine until after she used the panty liner, which she had been storing in her wallet:
Fast forward to today. Aunt Flo has arrived and she's the same ol' jerk she's always been, busting through super [absorbency] tampons like she don't give a fuuuuuk and forcing me to double up with a panty liner. Lucky for me (& my white dress — no I did not think that through) I had a spare panty liner waiting for me in my wallet. I grab my supplies, stealthy hide them on my body (because heaven forbid another human in the office sees them and knows I'm menstruating "SHE WILL ATTRACT BEARS" they would scream), and go fix myself up in the bathroom.
"SHE WILL ATTRACT BEARS." That pretty much nails the absurd fear behind the shame we attach to being on our periods, doesn't it?
On the walk back to my desk my vagina starts to feel very....cold. Curious...I thought...but whatever. I get back to my desk and my mound of work to get done and my vagina continues to get colder. Now this wasn't really atemperature type of cold, but more so the cold you feel when you put on Bengay. As the minutes passed I sat at my desk trying not to be concerned, but also thinking thoughts like "WHAT TYPE OF STDS CAUSE VERY COLD, SORT OF TINGLY VAGINAS??" and "I know I had sex the other day and I'm quite sure I know who it was with...but am I totally positive it wasn't THIS GUY" (side note: he can get it).
There are indeed a lot of terrible venereal diseases you can get from Batman villains (Riddler Warts are no laughing matter, OK?) but since she had not had sex with Mr. Freeze recently, something else was likely causing the Icy Hot feeling in her crotch:
Into the bathroom I went, grabbed a paper towel, soaped it up with a little water and went to investigate. Upon taking off my underwear I was immediately hit with a smell...not a bad smell...but a wintry fresh smell...which was odd to say the least. I actually sniffed the panty liner (gross ah! but a girl's gotta investigate when her vagina feels like it's gotten into some after dinner mints) and sure enough it smelled beautifully like peppermint.
Sure enough, I open my wallet to find that I had stored my panty-liner for TWO DAYS smushed tightly up against a full pack of Orbit peppermint gum. Apparently, the mint transferred to the liner and then ONTO MY LADY BITScreating the most confusing sensation my vagina has ever known.
This is the greatest accidental free advertising for Orbit gum ever.
I've never posted on here before and wasn't sure if this was a story to be shared, but as I sit here with the faintest whispers of mint gum still tingling on my labia I know it was the right thing to do. So be careful my ladies, store your panty liners far from any and all mint products, unless you want a tingling peppermint vagina while you're at work.
This is definitely very, very good advice. Also, dibs on "Tingling Peppermint Vagina" as the name of the new band I'm starting.
Image via Shutterstock.