Recently Exorcised Julianne Hough Has Transcended the Physical Plane to Somewhere Her Husband Probably Isn't

Illustration for article titled Recently Exorcised Julianne Hough Has Transcended the Physical Plane to Somewhere Her Husband Probably Isnt
Screenshot: Instagram (jackieschimmel)

When one receives an energy healing and demonic exorcism from the sort of person who claims he can disappear breast cancer, one can also expect to experience some sort of transcendental revelation—or the complete transformation of your physical body into something incomprehensible to those on the mortal plane. Currently, Julianne Hough is having this sort of crisis.

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In December, Page Six reported that Julianne Hough had attended a 7 a.m. “dance party” at New York City’s Sony Hall hosted by Daybreaker, an amalgamation of “dance, yoga, wellness, and mischief.” (According to their Instagram, but who really knows!) The party coincided with news that Daybreaker and Hough’s dance group Kinrgy were set to join Oprah on her Weight Watchers tour. A few weeks later, she posted some Instagram videos without her wedding ring, despite her husband Brooks Laich very much still wearing his. The following week, Us Weekly reported that the two were “having problems” in their marriage, mostly centered on what seemed to be their growth in opposite directions.

He was moving towards being a better man who is aware of his sexuality, at least from what he said in his Instagram stories. He also claimed, in a January 19 episode of his podcast “How Men Think,” that he was “exploring his sexuality” in his marriage, because it wasn’t “100 percent fully expressed.” His wife, meanwhile, was receiving energy exorcisms from Goop-adjacent wellness healers and dancing around shadow of Oprah and her Weight Watchers empire.

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In a video posted from Davos last week, Hough was seen screaming and thrashing about in the “Equality Lounge,” a branded experience from The Female Quotient that aims to convert more women into capitalists through “pop-up experiences” that are “powered by collaboration,” in partnership with JP Morgan Chase, Invisalign, P&G, Snapchat, and Bank of America, among others.

Dr. John Amaral, a former chiropractor, said in the video: “There’s always a huge dissipation of energy and a feeling of relief, release, freedom.” And for her part, Hough seemed particularly moved by a dissipation of something. Maybe her marriage, or her marriage as it once was?

E News reports that Instagram stories posted by Hough yesterday offer yet another lengthy explanation about the state of her soul, and ascension past the physical plane, this time with a Heidi Priebe quote:

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost.”

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Despite speaking abstractly, fans on Twitter and Instagram immediately assumed she was speaking about her husband, Brooks, and his journey towards whoever it is he wants to be. But I have a different reading—this is clearly directed at her husband, about herself! The quote continues:

“But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version to honor what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.”

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What sort of darkness do you think Hough’s soul left when it flickered, disappeared, and shot straight to the next level of her spiritual journey? The old Hough is gone, clearly, since the negative demons inhabiting her body were extracted from her butthole by Dr. Amaral.

While Laich is left to figure out what to do now that she’s gone, the rest of us can find Hough and her Kinrgy dancers on tour with Oprah, where she is joined by The Rock, Michelle Obama, and Tina Fey. As she explained to Women’s Health last year, Kinrgy is a “high sensory activated interpretive dance” based on the principals of togetherness and kinesthetics. Oprah and Gayle have seemed to have positive results with the experience!

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As for her husband, sources tell E News that they would prefer to work on their relationship in private, considering how many friends they still share. It’s currently unknown how they communicate between the mortal and spiritual planes—maybe Brooks should call Dr. Amaral and join her!

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DISCUSSION

blanchedevereauxsrobecollection
BlancheDevereaux'sRobeCollection

I think Julianne Hough would make a fantastic cult follower.