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Real Housewives: "Turtle Time!"

Illustration for article titled iReal Housewives/i: Turtle Time!

Between Ramona's Pinot Grigio binge, LuAnn's recording session, Kelly's lemonade, Sonja's bi-curiosity, and the Hooter Patrol IV, last night's episode was epic, perhaps surpassing "prostitution whore" as my all time favorite hour in the Real Housewives franchise.


First of all?


"Turtle time" will be a phrase that I will repeat in perpetuity while swirling around my own glass of Pinot Grigio from here on out.

And you know, elegance might be learned, but moves like this are purely instinctual.


The best part about Ramona's drunkenness wasn't the dancing or slurring or getting in the face of the Hooters guy, but rather the fact that it seemed indestructible. Her buzz could not be killed by anything, including all the Bethenny/Kelly dramz. Like "salt and water" or "oil and vinegar," she was salty and delicious.

The awesomeness began right around the time when Ramona started jonesing for her first glass of wine. Bethenny made a joke about stomping on grapes for her, which went right over Kelly's tussled head. The conversation turned to more serious matters, regarding Bethenny's father's death and the stick up Jill's ass, which upset Kelly so much that she mixed up her cliches.

Kelly called tried to storm away, but couldn't figure out how to operate the door. The only one who seemed bothered by this display was Sonja, but the women assured her that Kelly just needed a time out, and would return. They discussed how beautiful the day was, and as predicted, Kelly happily returned for dessert, and everyone behaved as though she had not just called them all "sick and demented" a few minutes prior.

Later that evening, they did shots. Ramona strolled in—wine in hand—and informed the women that she'd met the owner of Hooters, whose yacht was parked next to theirs. She disappeared again—wine in hand—and left Kelly and Bethenny alone with Sonja, who was interviewing them about their sex lives, and whether they ever lezzed out. Kelly is appalled at the idea of one-night-stands, which she seems to think means having unprotected sex with everyone in America. Somehow, this led Sonja to start crying about her post-baby breasts—in front of the newly pregnant person—and for some reason, this triggered Kelly's hatred of Bethenny, and she ripped into her.

Bethenny then sought refuge at Hooter Patrol IV.

Illustration for article titled iReal Housewives/i: Turtle Time!

This is when the cross-pollination of wine and whine made for amazing television, as Ramona first collected and then slurred her thoughts on the entire situation, while Sonja talked shit on Kelly—who was standing directly next to her—then began shouting about wanting to see some Hooters girls.

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Oh my god, I have no idea where to start. Tracie, I agree, last night's episode was epic and can only get better next week.

Kelly has a drug habit, I'm almost positive of it. Her behavior is classic addict behavior and mirrors everything my family went through when me aunt was abusing. The persecution complex? Check. Paranoia? Check. The delusions and believing things occurred when they never did? Check and check. The rapid, unexplained mood swings? Definitely. The woman's behavior is not within the range of normal crazy; she has much bigger issues.

Last night made me really hate Kelly. From her slut-shaming, to the fact that she told Bethanny that her story with her father wasn't a big deal because "lots of people have similar stories," to her stupid misuse of idioms. The woman is a vindictive idiot. It killed me when Sonja said, "How could you look at your child on your death bed and say you had a great life without them? How could you not love this child? [gestures to Bethanny]" To which, Kelly responded something like, "I don't know; I didn't know him." You know, as if there was something Bethanny could have done to warrant his lack of love for her. I know it's cliche to say, but I think this all boils down to Kelly being very, very jealous of Bethanny.

Unrelated: I loved the part where Alex and Bethanny were sitting on the deck cracking up. It was really sincere and I like them together as friends.