Real Housewives Of NYC Premiere: "It's Not About The Countess-ness"

Last night's premiere set the pace for this season with two fights, some tears, some tits, and a muumuu. Although there seems to be a war brewing between Bethenny and Jill, this episode's focus was about "the Countess-ness."

Before getting into "the Countess-ness," can we just talk about how awesome Jill Zarin is for a minute? I love that the first thing out of her mouth this season was, "I'm starving." Donning a designer muumuu, she looked Ramona up and down, trying to figure out what work she'd had done. Then she bitched about Ramona's cheapness, used the word "freakin'" several times, and complained about the heat on Labor Day weekend while wearing a long-sleeve shirt and pants. She's just the best.

LuAnn met up with Bethenny for a drink to clear the air about a comment Bethenny made behind her back last season—after the women took surfing lessons, for which Bethenny was stuck with the bill—implying that she doesn't pay for things. LuAnn believes that if one is invited to an event or activity, that that the person doing the inviting should also do the paying. Bethenny said that this was just another example of LuAnn's rules on appropriateness, calling it "the Countess-ness." (Is this a rich person thing? Like if you invite a friend to the movies, are you supposed to pay?) Anyway, LuAnn insisted that this wasn't about "the Countess-ness." However, it all seemed to be about "the Countess-ness." Earlier in the episode, she picked a fight with Ramona on her (rented, as Jill pointed out) yacht, regarding Ramona's husband referring to her as "Count-less," which hurt her feelings, because her husband the Count, recently left her.

The argument between Bethenny and LuAnn continued, with Bethenny outing LuAnn for "picking up guys." But in the end, she apologized for the surfing/paying comment, and promised to not say anything behind her back anymore.

However, after LuAnn got underminer-y about Bethenny's "Skinny Girl" promotional car, Bethenny immediately went back on her word and called LuAnn a "dumb drag queen" in one of her interview segments. This season will rule.



Dear Bethenny-

Come sit on my lap, honey. I'll explain what's going on.

Last year was hard for you and you were happy to let Jill and her mom cuddle you and make you feel loved. Suddenly things heated up for you- your brand goes apeshit and you're getting the man action and you have less time to lay around at Jill and Bobby's.

Meanwhile, Bobby gets CANCER. This is a big, big deal. Flowers don't cut it. Jill is wondering where the hell you were.

LuAnn's husband publicly cheats on her and dumps her via email. This also is a big, big deal. A gift basket does not do the trick.

There's not much you can do about this now. Jill and LuAnn have buddied up, and Kelly is getting a huge buzz. You can be humble and try to be present for these women going forth, but it will take multiple attempts, a ton of humility, and you will have to eat a fair amount of shit. Or you can move on, and try harder with your next set of friends.

I feel so bad for you, honey. You didn't have a mom to teach you this stuff. The guys at the track don't know about girlfriends.

Dear LuAnn- please read some Emily Post before you finish that fucking book. She says etiquette exists to smooth over awkward social situations and make people feel comfortable. You do not have to attend every argument to which you are invited.

Dear Ramona- that thing on the boat was nice. You may have the crazy eyes, but you're not crazy. Those ladies were sucking up your treats while being mean to you.

Watch what you give away- but split the check equally, because that shit is obnoxious. If you need a receipt for business purposes, explain yourself when you ask for your own check.

Dear Alex- proceed.

Dear Jill- check yourself. You have a good mom and she is watching you.

Dear Kelly- the esperanza de hootie man is flying into your treehouse of special unicorn pizza pie. Uncover the water skis with bells and yom kippur! Be fish fillet and goose feathers! Scrotum!