Real Housewives Of NJ: Bitching At A Botox Party

On last night's Real Housewives, Danielle had a "spa" party during which a plastic surgeon administered Botox injections and lip plumper to the women if they wanted them. But the treatments didn't sting as much as Dina's zingers at the event. Next week, we'll find out about that Colombian cartel.

P.S. We now have a new word for "vagina" — "chucky." Although Danielle, as we learned last night, still says "pussy."

P.P.S. I have to read this book now.

Illustration for article titled iReal Housewives Of NJ/i: Bitching At A Botox Party

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I have a big milestone birthday next month, and it may not be everyone's cup o' joe, but the Pap Smear Party really appeals to me.

All my girlfriends go to some big house in their pjs, and we watch old Bette Davis movies and eat salty treats and tell each other what we like about each other. Everyone brings all the unused cosmetic samples they have been saving and we trade. Everyone is required to reveal one secret. Party favors are cashmere socks and throw blankets.

A really nice well-credentialed lady doctor and 2 nurses will have a comfortable and sterile exam setup in a spare room and we will take turns getting pelvic exams and mammograms. These procedures are private but you can take a friend in with you if you want. Gowns and table coverings will be 100% organic fiber- no paper. Instruments will be warmed. There will be a fireplace in there with a real wood fire that smells like cinnamon. Also during the exam you get a scalp massage.

Results will be provided immediately and everyone will hear they are perfectly and permanently healthy and that these results are guaranteed for life so no one will ever have to ever get tested again unless they happen to enjoy stirrups.

Then we have profiteroles with hot fudge sauce.