Queen of England Seeks a Maid

Illustration for article titled Queen of England Seeks a Maid

HELP WANTED. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

Aging monarch seeks a Royal Apprentice to the Keeper of the Palace of Holyroodhouse.

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JOB DESCRIPTION:

  • You will troll the halls of Her Royal Majesty's official #1 favorite dwelling in Scotland (suck it, Balmoral Castle!), like a well-mannered and crisply dressed Roomba. Upon the back, in place of a cat in a shark costume, you will bear the dignified weight of centuries of monarchy.
  • You will gleefully dust a slew of historical objects and Her Royal Highness will throw pennies (£12,000/year) at your feet.
  • Aptitude at scheming darkly in the kitchen while smoking loosely-rolled cigarettes is a plus, but not necessarily a requirement.
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PERSON SPECIFICATION

You must:

  • Love looking at, cleaning, and rubbing old teapots so much.
  • Possess a meticulous work ethic and a close attention to detail.
  • Never, under any circumstances, gaze into a mirror and intone "Pippa" thrice.
  • Cry on command whenever a visitor to the palace sings a mournful highlands ballad.
  • NEVER EVEN UTTER THE WORD 'REHEATED'AROUND A CORGI IN GENERAL. NOT JUST THE QUEEN'S CORGIS. ANY CORGI.
  • Look good in hats.

The application closing date is 21 August, my sweet little peasants.

[H/t: Salon]
Image via Getty.

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DISCUSSION

burtreynoldsismyspiritguide1
Rebecca "Burt" Rose

OMG I'm going to take this job!!!!!! This is the perfect opportunity to finally get my script in her hands! It's called "Queen Elizabeth and the Party Time Freakout Bus Go To Tijuana!" SHE IS LITERALLY PERFECT FOR IT!