Last week, American freestyle skier Gus Kenworthy won a silver medal in the slopestyle event at the Sochi Olympics. The following day, he won our hearts by announcing plans to adopt a family of stray puppies he found living near an Olympic media center. The next thing Gus Kenworthy should win? President. Because on this Presidents Day, America needs Gus Kenworthy more than ever.
Yes, there are obvious drawbacks to the Kenworthy for President plan. First off, Gus Kenworthy has never publicly admitted to wanting to be President. There’s no evidence to indicate Mr. Kenworthy possesses the acumen necessary to lead the world’s largest and most powerful military (unless war were to suddenly become much more ski flipping-based). Further, Mr. Kenworthy, a resident of Colorado, likely lacks the political connections necessary to institute real change in Washington. And, most troublingly, Mr. Kenworthy was born in 1991, which will put him a full decade shy of the constitutionally mandated age 35 one must be in order to be elected president in 2016, but firmly within the age range for this writer to be fully and totally creeped out by her ability to find him cute.
REGARDLESS, Gus Kenworthy, if it were constitutionally allowed, would be a fantastic president, because he possesses all the necessary P’s of Presidency.
Puppies.
Kenworthy was supposed to return to the States today, but he isn’t. Why? Because he’s staying in Sochi while he awaits clearance to return to Colorado with the family of stray dogs he is in the process of adopting.
When it comes to puppies, Gus Kenworthy and America agree so hard that every time he sends out another Tweet or Instagram about his family of rescue mutts, America yells SHUT! UP! at its computer screen. It’s so cute it’s borderline obscene.
Patriotism.
During the 2012 elections, political stump speeches devolved into a pissing contest over who loves America the most. I love America the most, said Mitt Romney. No, I do, said President Obama. And on and on it went for months until this little girl started crying.
Thanks to the magic of the internet, there’s no question that Mr. Kenworthy passionately loves America.
America shorts? America balloons? America tongue? Sure, he’s never fought in a war, when’s the last time John McCain or Barack Obama has been photographed shirtless with USA festooned across his chest? Can you picture Chuck Grassley sucking on a bomb pop for his country? Imagine Nancy Pelosi wearing an American flag as a stylish cape. You can’t do it, because Gus Kenworthy loves America more than literally everyone currently serving in the United States Government. Combined.
He’s even got a campaign trail stump speech mostly written.
Consider my vote won.
Photogenic.
Sure, Presidents need to be smart about politics and competent about policy and bla bla fuckity bla, but if the continued lionization of Reagan even during years of his Presidency when he very obviously was suffering from Alzheimers are any indicator, what the American People value most in Presidents is a President who Looks Presidential.
And they don’t get much cuter than a ruddy-faced Olympian who, when he isn’t taking goofy-ass selfies, looks like a walking Ralph Lauren ad.
Imagine him in a suit. Imagine it. Imagine him in a tie surrounded by a family of five dogs who are also wearing ties. Imagine this tie-wearing dog-loving man delivering a weekly address to the American people from the Oval Office.
Tell me this isn’t the best goddamn idea.
Pop culture punning.
Presidents should be fluent enough in the language The Youths that they’re able to seamlessly communicate political messages to them. Look how adeptly he interacts with a pop star with a pun on the title of a hit single by that pop star.
It is a political party in the USA! Which is doubly appropriate, since Gus Kenworthy’s feelings toward Miley seem to be reciprocally affectionate.
Bring your mind back to that scene of a man in a tie surrounded by dogs wearing ties. Now imagine that Miley Cyrus is the First Lady. It’s somehow, oddly perfect.
Gus Kenworthy: He’s the future. Until we all forget about the Olympics, at least.
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Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
