Pretty Woman: Allure Instructs Readers How To Act Like Adults

In the March issue of Allure Julia Roberts tells a lengthy tale about separating her eyelashes with a pin. But that’s not the part that makes us want to poke our eyes out.

It seems the editors at Allure think we had to ask our moms for the $3.50 to buy this magazine, as none of their tips seem aimed at competent adult women. Did you know that if your entree is inedible you can ask the waiter to take it back? Or that you shouldn’t wear complicated lace-up boots when you go through airport security? Allure also has a tip for dealing with acne: “stop touching your face. Now.” The mag recommends that you “enlist an enforcer” to make you stop picking at your pimples, and ask them to “check on you if they haven’t heard any noise from the bathroom in a minute or two.” Below, we rewrite the magazine’s cover lines, so that our feeble brains may better comprehend the lies contained within.