President Trump Definitely Would Have Done the Fake Water Polo College Scam, Right?

There isn’t a doubt in my mind. Anyway, time to cry.

Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:

Republicans have decided to let you choose if you’d like to be worse off now or worse off later. [CBS News]
It would be a mistake to read petty political slights as having actual political meaning since they tend to mask what are otherwise overly cooperative, placating relationships between powerful people, but Mike Pence losing his stupid symbolic House office is kind of fun. [NPR]
Give it a rest, my man. [CNN]
The EACH Woman Act will keep coming back until the Hyde Amendment is good and dead. [Vogue]
Elizabeth Warren’s campaign apparently didn’t get permission to use “9 to 5″ at campaign rallies and Dolly Parton noticed. [Daily Mail]
Michael Avenatti says he no longer represents Stormy Daniels, so congratulations are in order for Stormy Daniels. [Associated Press]
Do you think the memes were good, though? [Slate]
Do we agree that Mitt Romney and Jeff Goldblum are voice twins? Do we agree that it’s weird to take your candles out of your birthday cake and blow them out one-by-one? [Twitter]
Give it another rest, my man. [Twitter]
One of the architects of the Iraq War is deeply concerned about America’s current credibility and international standing. [Washington Post]