Pregnant Women Who Smoke and Drink Turn Kids Gay, Says Science Troll

A neurobiologist from Amsterdam University who has discovered a gross new way to troll people has made two claims, one more surprising than the other: a) women’s lifestyle choices during pregnancy can affect the development of their children, specifically b) that smoking during pregnancy may increase the likelihood that a child will be gay.

Speaking to the Sunday Times, Amsterdam University neurobiologist Dick Swaab (not even kidding) delivered the groundbreaking results of his most recent work. Women, he explained, who drink or smoke during pregnancy risk lowering their child’s IQ. Women who smoke and take synthetic hormones? Well, they’re increasing the likelihood that their daughters will become lesbians. Boys who are born into families with lots of older male siblings?

It all has to do with the mother’s immune system having a stronger response to all those male hormones. Or something.

Here, let Dick Swaab (it’s better if you think of it as just one word — Dickswaab) explain it in his own words:

Pre-birth exposure to both nicotine and amphetamines increases the chance of lesbian daughters.

Pregnant women suffering from stress are also more likely to have homosexual children of both genders because their raised level of the stress hormone cortisol affects the production of foetal sex hormones.

Swaab added (or the Times added as a footnote to the more sensational claims) that a mother’s lifestyle choices in pregnancy are just small factors in her child’s development. Other stuff matters, too, like genetics. Or nocturnal foot placement. Or the size and frequency of nightly feedings. Or the kinds of pets that are best at nuzzling a pregnant belly (dog nuzzling ensures that babies grow up to become polite and gregarious members of society, while iguana nuzzling ensures that babies eventually become lizard people).