'Possibly Deranged' Queens Squirrel Apologizes for Biting Neighbor: 'This Is Not Who I Am'

Illustration for article titled 'Possibly Deranged' Queens Squirrel Apologizes for Biting Neighbor: 'This Is Not Who I Am'
Image: Matt Cardy (Getty Images)

Just hours after The Guardian published photographs of injuries inflicted by a “possibly deranged” queens squirrel going berserk on her neighbors for the completely innocuous act of moving into a new apartment, the squirrel has issued a fairly rote Notes App apology saying that this is not the squirrel she is and she’s working on herself blah, blah, blah. You’ve seen other Notes App squirrel apologies, and this one pretty much just fills in the blanks.

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Here it is in full if you’re not sick of this wild animal fake contrition that is much more concerned with sorrow over having been caught attacking several people in broad daylight in a public place for petty or non-existent reasons than remorse over the injury caused by the actual biting and scratching.

Illustration for article titled 'Possibly Deranged' Queens Squirrel Apologizes for Biting Neighbor: 'This Is Not Who I Am'
Screenshot: Rego Park Squirrel Instagram

Meanwhile, neighbors say that this is not the first incident of this nature in Rego Park, just the first one that gained media coverage, though no apologies were forthcoming when there were no cameras to force them. It’s like the old saying goes: When a squirrel shows you who they are, believe them (and not their Notes App).

DISCUSSION

winglessvictory
WinglessVictory

Squirrels do not carry rabies. Their body temperature is too low. (There is some speculation that as our - human - body temperatures continue to lower over time, we might one day be immune from rabies, though I don’t rule out the idea that at that point rabies might perform a “touche” of its own.)

In this instance, I’m betting the people involved threw unshelled chestnuts (leftover from Christmas) at them as if that’s some kind of treat. Motherfuckers! Everyone knows squirrels prefer unshelled walnuts or pecans, unsalted. Those are the customary gifts new occupants bestow upon squirrel royalty to denote respect and fealty.