Please, No More Documentaries About Britney Spears

The hottest subject in semi-salacious documentary filmmaking is the life and times of Britney Spears—great for the filmmakers who want to feel as if they are breaking open something that needs to be cracked, but less so for its subject, who is very much alive and would rather you not, thanks!

Advertisement

For the record, I believe that Britney’s Instagram account is run by her and not anyone else. I do not believe the hordes of Free Britney types who flood the comments of everything she posts with things like, “I WON’T BELIEVE THIS IS YOU UNLESS YOU SHOW ME A NEWSPAPER WITH THE DATE, TIME, AND THE CROSSWORD HALF-COMPLETED, #FREEBRITNEY.” Those people need to take a deep breath and go outside. Their queen has spoken.

Here’s a video of Britney Spears dancing. Accompanying said video is a very long caption that expresses some irritation at the most recent documentary about her, The Battle for Britney: Fans, Cash and a Conservatorship, which premiered on the BBC’s streaming service on May 1. Britney, who as you can see is alive and well, had this to say:

2021 is definitely way better than 2020 but I never knew it was gonna be like THIS 😳😳😳 !!!! So many documentaries about me this year with other people’s takes on my life ... what can I say … I’m deeply flattered !!!! These documentaries are so hypocritical … they criticize the media and then do the same thing 🤔🤔🤔?????

She goes on to say some other things, too. She wants a koi pond. She has a beautiful garden and wishes for Better Homes and Gardens to put her on the cover. Also, she would like all of her concerned “fans” to know that this is actually her writing the caption and not her father, a ghostwriter, or the pool boy.

I hope you’re all living your best lives and shit or as @parishilton would say SLIVING!!! ... I know I am 💋💋💋!!!! PSSSS I don’t actually talk to Billy B AT ALL so I’m honestly very confused 😂😂😂 !!! This is my Instagram !!!! PSSSSS no paparazzi guy … I didn’t want you and your crew following me around !!!!

Advertisement

Funny how not a single one of the people so purportedly CONCERNED about Britney Spears’s well-being is listening to what her ass has to say. Leave this woman ALONE. [Us Weekly]


I’m not one hundred percent sure who Lala Kent is, but I assume she is on that Vanderpump program. She has a book out. She’s engaged to a man named Randall Emmett. Once upon a time when she was mad, she stuck his toothbrush up her ass. Huh?

After one argument during a trip to Miami, the Bravo star admits she took Emmett’s clothes, shoes and toiletries and tossed them into a pool “before taking his toothbrush and putting it in my a–hole for a minute.”

Later, when the movie producer was innocently brushing his teeth, Kent began to laugh. Emmett, 50, asked her why she was giggling, and she maliciously replied, “That toothbrush was just in my a–hole,” according to her retelling.

Advertisement

Okay... girl? To clarify, in case you were wondering, the business-end of the toothbrush is the part that made it up her butt. I don’t know what they do in their personal life, and I wouldn’t be thrilled at the idea of brushing my teeth with a brush that had been up the ass of my betrothed, but hear me out: if Randall Emmett, producer of The Irishman, eats ass, then this is basically, sort of, maybe, just that?

No? Nah. Yeah, you’re right.

Anyway, Lala Kent is sober now, and hopefully she doeesn’t do this anymore. Thanks, and have a great morning. [Page Six]

Advertisement

  • Yeah, Tom Brady does look like he’s about to kill a cartoon rabbit, why didn’t Gisele stop him! [Us Weekly]
  • Cool, glad Crisp Rat is “super supportive” of his wife, Katherine Schwarzenegger, as she breastfeeds their child. [People]
  • Ugh, more details about Lady Gaga’s dognapping incident. [Just Jared]

Senior Writer, Jezebel

DISCUSSION

selfie
Selfie-conscious

So honest question? Who are these rabid fans of Britney? Like are these fans from back at the height of her career? Like 30 something year old people who are still following her and obsessing over her? Are they teenagers? I just don’t understand who these people are that care so much about her? Just seems really unhinged to invest so much energy in someone you don’t even know.