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Please Do Not Invite Me to Katy Perry's Wedding

Illustration for article titled Please Do Not Invite Me to Katy Perrys Wedding

If there’s one thing Katy Perry loves more than anything else, it’s speaking in vague platitudes and unnecessarily pontificating while responding to questions that could truly be answered in three or four words, max. Second to that love is probably the love of something like harmony, or duality, or another word that sounds generally agreeable and could be used to mean a variety of things and really end up meaning nothing at all. Definitely though, her third greatest love is her fiancee Orlando Bloom, who she is set to marry.

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If I’m being honest, I completely forgot that Perry and Bloom were even dating, which in a way makes me feel good about myself, if only because it means I’ve been utilizing the space left in my brain to retain more important information, like the choreography to Lady Gaga’s new single, “Stupid Love.” However, as we know, good things can only last for so long and knowledge of Perry and Bloom’s pending nuptials came ricocheting back into my consciousness today when I came across this inane interview Perry gave to Stellar Magazine.

True to form, when promoted with a simple statement about her upcoming wedding, Perry dove into a long-winded monologue talking about absolutely nothing.

Speaking of your fiancé, you are getting married this year

I call myself a “bridechilla” as opposed to a bridezilla. Orlando and I are united with our approach. It’s not about the party, it’s about the coming together of people who will hold us accountable when things get really hard. Because it’s really great and then it’s really hard. Those are just the facts when you’re with someone who challenges you to be your best self.

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Aside from the fact that she is just straight up making up words to compliment herself about how “chill” she is, she also manages to describe what sounds like the most horrible wedding party ever. Let me be very clear, I am coming to your wedding to one, absolutely love and celebrate you, and two, get completely hammered at an open bar and probably twist an ankle doing the electric slide. I’m not showing up to join hands with people I probably don’t know to “hold you accountable.” That’s not a wedding party, that’s couples therapy, which is healthy and helpful, but do that on your own time.

She also spoke about her relationship with Bloom earlier in the interview as a means of advocating for a less female-focused future, or something like that.

What is your response to those who ask if we still need an International Women’s Day?

Yes, we do. Because there’s so much work still to be done. We still have a discrepancy with pay and utilisation of women in job spaces.

I’m not one of those people that is solely about “the future is female”. The future is both male and female. I believe in a more humanitarian future because I have a partner [Orlando Bloom] who is supportive, kind and a champion of women and children. He’s sensitive and vulnerable – and still the hottest guy on the beach.

You heard it here first folks, because Katy Perry has an almost-husband the future cannot be female. Pack it up!

She does, however, get something right there in that Orlando Bloom is definitely still hot. Fun fact, seeing pictures of the little sun tattoo Orlando Bloom has below his bellybutton on the cover of tabloids in grocery store checkout lines is one of the things that made me gay!

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And naturally, no interview with Perry would be complete without managing to bring up Taylor Swift at least once. When asked about her appearance in the music video for Swift’s “You Need To Calm Down,” Perry had this to say:

We wanted it to be an example of unity. Forgiveness is important. It’s so powerful. If you can forgive your enemy, that’s amazing. As difficult as it is!

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If you can forgive your enemy, that’s amazing! Now if only I could forgive myself for reading this interview.

freelance writer living in San Francisco. Please clap.

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DISCUSSION

I hate to be this earnest but:

It’s not about the party, it’s about the coming together of people who will hold us accountable when things get really hard. Because it’s really great and then it’s really hard. Those are just the facts when you’re with someone who challenges you to be your best self.

This is both apt and very good advice for any relationship.