Pig Beach Is Dead

By Megan Reynolds | August 20, 2019 | 4:22pm

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Near and around the site of Ja Rule’s ill-fated Fyre Fest lies Grand Exuma, an island in the Bahamas that is home to a clutch of feral pigs and their small, feral piglets. These pigs have lived in relative peace, eating food thrown to them by tourists and rooting around in the sand and whatnot, but I regret to inform you that Pig Beach is dead.

This news comes courtesy of a tidy little history of influencers and the island over at W, which traces the island’s brief rise in popularity via Instagram posts from famous people willing to stand very close to fearless pigs who will certainly eat a swimsuit coverup if left to their own devices. Khloe Kardashian and her daughter, True, recently visited the pigs, and if I know anything, the children are our future. Teach them well, let them lead the way.

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Look at True’s face.

She has seen the pigs and knows the pigs are not to be trusted. These pigs eat human food and perhaps human flesh (just kidding). These are animals who would very much like to be left alone, to swim in warm water and roll around in sand, like the big, meaty boys and girls that they are. I’d say leave these fuckers alone and in peace, but I am not the boss of Khloe nor her small child. Understand that True sees the truth, as is her birthright by name. The pigs are lying in wait, biding their time. Eventually, they will rise.

Kardashian and her crew are not the first to visit the pigs, as W points out—Amy Schumer visited the pigs in 2017, as well as a spate of other influencers and models, all of whom recognize that the wire-haired bodies of wild pigs thirsty for solitude and maybe some marshmallows make excellent content. The contrast of a pig—a pig!—against the cerulean Caribbean? What else do you want? It’s beautiful.

However, everything good is eventually ruined by the ham-fisted touch of humanity. Per W, peak popularity for the pigs was roughly 2017—the same year that at least seven of them died because of food poisoning. It turns out pigs are not supposed to drink beer or rum, nor are they supposed to eat white bread or people food in general. It sounds like people were also “riding” the pigs, which is distressing because those pigs don’t look like they want to be ridden and if they did, I imagine one might need a saddle. In any case! The Kardashian return to Pig Island might herald a resurgence in visitors, but ideally, it does not. Leave these handsome little fatties alone. They deserve it.