Pie Is Goth

Thanksgiving is here, and therefore eating pie is, with any luck, in your near future. Pies make excellent desserts, some might say better than cakes. But pies are also quietly and unapologetically eerie.

Pie is hands down the most goth dessert, for a number of reasons. Number one: Did you know that pie crusts were once thought of as coffins? The American Pie Council states on its “History of Pies” page that pies (then called “pyes”) date back to England in the 12th century, and crusts were called “coffyns.” Also on that page, the American Pie Council reports that early pies were “predominantly meat pies.” Meat pies, as anyone has ever seen Sweeney Todd can tell you, are goth.

By design, most pies shield their inner workings from curious minds. (Certain pies, such as pumpkin and or key lime, are less secretive in this capacity, but by association, still pretty goth.) Whereas cakes are festive and commemorative and announce their purpose right on the fucking surface (“Happy Birthday, Billy!”, etc.), pies will not reveal their true nature to eaters unless they cut that bad boy open and take a bite.

If you’re coming to my birthday, don’t bring pie. If you’re coming to my funeral, maybe bring a pie.

Each pie is so different—cherry, apple, blueberry, chocolate—but absolutely no pie makes any promises about having any structural integrity to speak of. Pies tend to have a hearty, dependable shell, but once sliced open, tend to fall apart. Does that not speak to your inner goth? Pies. Are. Just. Like. You.

Think of some words that you might use to describe pie. Is “rustic” one of them? No one would ever call a cake “rustic”—unless it had like, a fruit topping, but then it’s more of a tart—but it totally fits for pie. Pies are utilitarian and completely kooky: jellied fruit or spiced meats encased in crushed graham cracker bits and dough? Who thought of this shit. Also, have you ever thought about how pies oft require a metal tin? METAL TIN, METAL, HARDCORE, GOTH. There, I did the math for you.

If you’re coming to my birthday, don’t bring pie. If you’re coming to my funeral, maybe bring a pie. This holiday season, I hope you have ample opportunity to enjoy a slice of pie—whatever flavor your heart desires—and I hope you take that opportunity to appreciate that it is goth.