Photos Show Nigella Lawson's Husband Apparently Choking Her in Public

On Sunday morning, The Mirror roused its unwitting, sleepy-eyed readers with pictures that apparently show British chef Nigella Lawson being physically abused by her husband, art magnate Charles Saatchi, while sitting outside a London restaurant.

The pictures leave little room for interpretation — Saatchi was seen squeezing Lawson’s throat several times, and she subsequently left the restaurant in tears. An eyewitness described the incident in all its contemptible detail:

It was utterly shocking to watch. I have no doubt she was scared. It was horrific, really. She was very tearful and was constantly dabbing her eyes.

Ugh. Happy Sunday morning, everyone. [Daily Beast, The Mirror]

In her absolute darkest timeline, Amanda Bynes is not narrating her tale of childhood fame to an earnest young writer at a sanatorium in the Alps, nor is she languishing in jail after being caught with a piñata full of heroin. She’s playing the slot machines in an Atlantic City casino, hoarsely telling anyone who will listen that, when she was in the flower of her youth, she was on television. [NYDN]
Of course, if you listen to disreputable publicists, the whole Amanda Bynes shtick is just that: an All That act meant to troll as many credulous Twitter users as possible. [NYDN]
Now that Kim Kardashian has given birth to Blue Ivy Carter‘s imperial rival, you’re probably wondering: but did this even really happen, or did Kimye just pull off the second greatest neonatal caper of all time? Probably not the second thing — Baby Kardashepsut reportedly has Clan Kardashian’s signature dark hair. [E!]
Just in case you thought Kanye West might have been too busy watching the new Superman movie to attend the birth of his child, Us reports that he was right by Kim’s side during the whole ordeal. [Us]
And lo, Tan Mom parted the heavens and came down to the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, dark clouds under her feet and totally hammered. Swiftly, she was secreted away to a detox facility. [AP]
Tamara Barney, a shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firmament, married Eddie Judge and his rockin’ doo yesterday. [Us]
Prince Charles donned his royal sillytrousers and told his PR person to tell everyone else that he remains “implacably opposed” to GMOs. [Telegraph]
In case you were wondering, literary darling Tucker Max loves John Kennedy Toole, and thinks all you losers who venerate A Catcher in the Rye really ought to read The Neon Bible. [Post]
Let’s end on a good note, shall we? Before they were Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky in the pretend universe, John Stamos and Lori Loughlin dated in real life. [NYDN]