American dead women, your time to be on money has finally arrived! Not paper money, babes, that already has white men on it. The time has come for you to be the tail side of the U.S. quarter, which will still be headed by enslaver and founding father George Washington, though the ass-end of our quarter dollars will now be devoted to a “diverse” yet rotating selection of dames. Feminism!
According to the U.S. Mint, the butt side of a quarter will soon feature women “from ethnically, racially, and geographically diverse backgrounds,” starting with astronaut Dr. Sally Ride and the American poet, Dr. Maya Angelou. However, the rest of the broads on our laundry machine quarters is entirely up to us, ladies, with the caveat that the lady on the money must be dead, as it is illegal to feature a living person on currency.
And while Sally Ride and Maya Angelou are fine for starters, as my wise colleague Kelly Faircloth first suggested, neither represents the faction of beautiful blonde women both elevated and ridiculed, very often to death, by an American culture ravenous for and resentful of them. In fact, the only thing more American than mocking a woman like Anna Nicole Smith—early ’90s Guess Jeans muse, reality television star, legal speed shill, and national punchline up to and even after her overdose death in 2007—is making some token, patronizing gesture towards “feminism” and expecting resounding praise for it. Since women will already make up the B-side of less important American currency, let us not forget to include a few of the women we harrassed until they died in order to sell newspapers and diet pills.
Why not Marilyn Monroe, the more respectable representation of America’s chronic propensity to simultaneously love, hate, but most of all, market our drug-addled blonde women to death, you might ask? Well, throw her on a quarter too, if that’s what you want. You may nominate any dead American woman of your choosing by filling out the form here, but please, also nominate a woman of our choosing while you’re at it and vote Anna Nicole.