PETA Loons: Eating Chicken Wings Will Give Your Baby a Small Penis

Illustration for article titled PETA Loons: Eating Chicken Wings Will Give Your Baby a Small Penis

PETA is like the most boring drunk person at a barbeque. PETA will lean towards you and whisper in your ear, "Hey... did you know... that vegetables make you good at sex? Like, dangerously good." and then roll into a ditch to play with pine cones. 15 minutes later, forgetting that it had already heckled and upset you, PETA will waddle towards you once more: "Hey! Did you know... eating vegetables... makes your penis into the perfect penis..." Yes, PETA, you will sigh. You told me that already.


Case in point: PETA's new PR stunt, in which they've decided to warn the founder of the National Buffalo Wing Festival that allowing pregnant women to consume chicken wings may cause their unborn sons to come into this world with small penises.


From the open letter:

I'm reaching out again to ask you at least to take steps to ensure the safety of pregnant women by barring them from taking part in your contests. As I will explain, consuming poultry while pregnant may lead to birth defects in utero, including smaller-than-average penises for newborn boys. I think we can agree that embarrassment and insecurity are no small matters.

Findings published by the Study for Future Families showed that eating poultry during pregnancy may lead to smaller penis size in male infants. Looking at dairy products, eggs, fish, fruit, bird meat, potatoes, tomatoes, vegetables, and red meat, researchers found the most significant link between chicken consumption and decreased penis size because of a chemical compound found in the meat. Furthermore, evidence indicates that heterosexual women's sexual satisfaction depends in part on their partner's penis size.

He goes on to detail the excruciating, short, brutal lives of chickens who are raised for meat. That's a valid, and horrible, deterrent from eating poultry products — the penis argument ("Eating chicken will lead to every mother's greatest fear: a baby with a smaller-than-usual baby genital! A baby who will not one day bring pleasure to heterosexual women!"), not so much.

According to Liz Fields at Salon, PETA is likely going on about phthalate, a chemical that comes from a variety of sources, including personal care products and other foods. Fields then asked Shanna H. Swan, PhD (who conducted the research cited by PETA) what she thought of the claim. “I think any link between eating buffalo wings — even by pregnant women — and the size of their son’s genitals is very tenuous,” Swan replied, likely glad that someone had finally posed the question she'd been waiting her entire career to answer.


"PETA: eating buffalo wings could affect your unborn's penis size" [Salon]
Image via bonchan/Shutterstock.

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Has PETA ever actually convinced anyone to go vegetarian/vegan? I already eat very little meat, but every time I read about one of their stunts I have the urge to go club a calf and make some veal chops (or whatever you do with veal; I've never had it) for breakfast.