Peepaw Wants You to Have a Horny Summer, Too

Your friends are starting to get vaccinated, President Biden said that there will be enough vaccines for all American adults by the end of May, brands are already preparing for a hedonistic summer, and Senator Bernie Sanders… well, he wants you to have a horny July too!

On the Senate floor Friday morning, Sanders proposed an amendment to the $2 trillion covid-19 relief bill that would raise the federal minimum wage to $15, a modest hike from the current rate of $7.25, which Sanders called a “starvation wage.” But before he made his case, he outlined the importance of the stimulus package, calling it “the most consequential and significant legislation for working families that Congress has debated for decades” and must be passed as quickly as possible.

He’s right, and not just because people want their $1400 checks ASAP: This latest covid-19 relief bill includes tens of billions of dollars in vaccine distribution and virus testing; $170 billion to K-12 schools and colleges, including $5 billion of which will go to governors to use toward educational expenditures at their own discretion, an extended nationwide eviction ban, an additional $400 in weekly unemployment benefits, and more. Tackling the consequences of the pandemic on a financial front will ultimately help Americans’ wallets and their health, both physically and mentally.

Here’s what Peepaw had to say about that, emphasis ours:

Covid has not only caused massive death and illness, it has resulted in… social isolation. That means all over this country, you’ve got old people, elderly people, in their homes, they can’t interact with their grandchildren, with their own kids, with their friends. You’ve got young people, [who] want to go to school, want to socialize, want to date, want to do things that young people do. And they can’t do that or have been unable to do that for the last year, and that has resulted in a very sharp increase in mental illness in this country, something, by the way, this legislation also deals with.

Sanders doesn’t know that young people don’t “date” anymore, they just “talk” and hook up and ghost and maybe hook up some more, but the sentiment is what matters here: Covid-19 has made it so the youths can’t even flirt or fuck in person (or, you know, go to class or hug a friend, but we’re focusing on the flirting bit right now). They’re in an endless spiral of sad horny texts and meme sharing—the base of any solid relationship, but still not good enough. Getting back to normal means providing resources that will enable everyone to hang out face to face without an N95 mask, six feet of separation, and any other Centers for Disease Control and Prevention approved restrictions.

It’s nice that Sanders’s spiel can bring two demographics together: Horny young adults who want the thrill of making out with someone they just met at a party an hour ago, and moms who are thirsty for grandchildren.

Unfortunately, as someone who is not single, covid has not prevented me from pro-creating, so I’m still not off the hook from my thirsty-for-grandchildren mother. Help me, Peepaw.