You may have heard whispers on the wind of this “dadbod” monstrosity. “Dadbod,” the bloggers hiss. “It’s time to celebrate men for physical mediocrity. It’s time we paid tribute to what a male body looks like after about a decade of childrearing and non-acrobatic sex.”

While I would never deny an extremely attractive Southern girl her right to love whosoever she loves (off the top of my head I’ll guess: golfing manboy who pudged out at year three in the Sig Ep house, committed himself to a life of special-occasion jewelry, then visually aged a strong 12 years in the seven months post-wedding) I’d like to say, first of all, that the rest of us should be ashamed of ourselves:

Secondly, buckle up, my bitches, because Dadbod is just the beginning. A quick survey of Jezebel staff reveals an extensive array of bods, both bods had and bods desired, such as:

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Blogbod

Rounded shoulders, carpal tunnel, ineffective core. Don’t look at me.

Bogbod

Body dragged up from the bottom of a bog—dirty, and hot as hell.

Hogbod

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Bodbod

Don’t overthink it.

Codbod

You know that thing where you want to have sex but you’re sooooooo tired....

Fadbod

Butt implants: 85 percent say worth it.

Badbod

“Bad” is a social construct???? Especially for women??? Like, if it wasn’t enough that it’s so hard to climb the corporate ladder, women still have to do things like wear perfume and dye their pubes—and be shamed about it??????

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Dogbod

There as soon as the door opens and very eager to please.

Modbod

So whimsical :)

Podbod

You know that thing when you’re one of triplets and you have great ideas literally all the time?

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Bobbod

Bob.

Sadbod

Also filed to morningbod, hangoverbod, outragebod, Mondaybod, Tuesdaybod, Wednesdaybod, Thursdaybod and Sundaybod.

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Godbod

Fuck mode, baby!

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Burrito bod

You just ate one and now you’re paralyzed!

Pugbod

You’re so wrinklyyyy

Jogbod

Your shits are sewwww regular (FUCK YOU).

Mombod

Gross....


Art by Bobbod

Contact the author at jia@jezebel.com.