Oral Sex Apparently an Old Jedi Mind Trick to Ensure Women’s Fidelity

A sexy new sex study in the scintillating legitimate science field of (wait for it) evolutionary psychology has set out to answer a single question that has confounded all but the most emotional confident libertines: wtf is the procreational point of oral sex? It doesn’t directly satisfy humans’ biological imperative to make as many tiny humans as possible, so what gives, genital nuzzlers of the world? Oh, but not those of you nuzzling male genitals — just carry on with that because science is totally not interested. The real question isn’t “why oral sex?” but rather “why oral sex on women?”

A study published recently in the journal Evolutionary Psychology sought to unravel the cunnilingual mystery of the universe by sampling 243 men from the United States and Germany who were in “committed, heterosexual relationships” in order to “test the sperm retention hypothesis of oral sex.” The sperm retention hypothesis, murmurs your mystified vagina? Yes, answer the researchers, that:

We predicted that, among men who perform cunnilingus on their partner, those at greater risk of sperm competition are more likely to perform cunnilingus until their partner achieves orgasm (Prediction 1), and that, among men who ejaculate during penile-vaginal intercourse and whose partner experiences a cunnilingus-assisted orgasm, ejaculation will occur during the brief period in which female orgasm might function to retain sperm (Prediction 2).

The results of the current study weren’t consistent with the sperm retention hypothesis, but, hark, they were consistent with hypothesis about men at greater risk of “sperm competition” being more likely to perform cunnilingus in an effort to convince their partners to please oh pretty please don’t cheat on me, gurl. In other words (the words of evolutionary psychology), men in committed relationships with women were unconsciously using cunnilingus as a way to increase relationship satisfaction, which would in turn “encourage subsequent copulations.” Ipso facto, MORE BABIES:

The results of the current research provide support for the Pair-Bond Hypothesis and the Promotion of Future Copulations Hypothesis. The Pair-Bond Hypothesis states that female orgasm functions to strengthen the emotional bond between partners, and the Promoting Future Copulations Hypothesis states that female orgasm functions to reward sexual behaviors, thereby promoting future sexual encounters with a particular man. These two hypotheses are consistent with the broader hypothesis that men promote their partner’s orgasm to minimize the risk of her infidelity because women who experience stronger feelings of intimacy and who are more satisfied with their partner are less likely to commit infidelity (Buss and Shackelford, 1997).

Pair bonding rears its insidious head! In this dim view of the (entirely heterosexual) world, we’re all just sexual Calvinists, yoked to our compulsive need to find, secure, and nurture a baby-creating union. Your choices are not your choices, and your predilection for hours of oral sex from a selfless yet insistent lover are only superficially related to the physical pleasure of getting tongue-jacked (ew, sorry). Really, though, we’re all just slaves to procreation, not, perhaps, primates that have learned that a) babies are a hassle and sex can be entirely recreational, and b) telling the truth is an entirely overrated way of communicating.