Oprah Was Definitely Not Arrested, But Everyone Definitely Has Too Much Free Time Now

By Joan Summers  |  March 18, 2020 | 2:50pm
CelebritiesDirt Bag
Oprah Was Definitely Not Arrested, But Everyone Definitely Has Too Much Free Time Now
Photo:Getty

If QAnon conspiracies cross your Twitter feed, it is often best to close your phone completely, or throw it out the window. If neither of those options are viable, try flushing it down the toilet, or baking it in the oven. These are, patently, the only way to protect yourself from the bamboozling rays emitted by anything related to the far-right conspiracy peddlers. Otherwise, I have to log in and explain that Oprah was not arrested for sex trafficking in Boca Raton late last night. Ridiculous!

Newsweek reports that after receiving multiple calls from friends and journalists, Oprah had to log on and inform everyone she was not sitting in a jail cell. She was sitting at home, sanitizing her counters and re-reading The Secret (or something) like everybody else.

Of course, this will likely not be enough for the hundreds of conspiracy peddlers in her Twitter mentions, or in the trending hashtag associated with this so-called scandal. Regardless, I have done my due diligence as a journalist and spent the morning browsing the arrest records of Palm Beach County, which are easily accessible to just about everyone. Oprah’s not in there! But like most conspiracy theories, the QAnon people will probably twist themselves in knots coming up with a completely absurd explanation for this too—like she’s paying off the government, the police are somehow in league with her, Epstein himself is pulling the strings from beyond the grave, Weinstein is somehow involved.

Oprah has committed many crimes: her insistence on satin button-up blouses; platforming vitamin-peddling wellness gurus on national television; all those free cars she gave her audience, pumping toxic emissions into the atmosphere. But one crime Oprah has certainly not committed is sex trafficking young people out of her home in Boca Raton, Florida.

Unfortunately, everyone on the internet is locked inside at the moment, and going a bit stir-crazy. Collectively, we’re much more susceptible to panic and deception. My advice? Log the fuck off! [Newsweek]

Screenshot:Instagram (Presley Gerber)

There are a lot of conspiracies flying around today, but one I did not expect, or see coming? The revelation that Presley Gerber supposedly faked his second face tattoo for internet clout and notoriety. I mean, if my brain was functioning at non-quarantine levels, I might have seen this coming. Even I’m not immune to the trickery of these wealthy dilettantes and heirs to tequila fortunes!

On Instagram Stories, Gerber claimed that his massive “LA” face tattoo was only ever an Instagram Filter, one he also claimed was never meant to be permanent. While his threat to possibly delete his Instagram permanently is one I’m willing to live with—personally!—I wonder if his other face tattoo will also soon become simply an Instagram filter.

Image:Backgrid

I can only imagine how Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber must feel about their son tattooing “misunderstood” across his face, while wilding out on Instagram Stories quite regularly. (Consider their reaction to Kaia Gerber’s short-lived sex-mance with Pete Davidson!) Just a hint, to both of them? That massive fortune would certainly allow you to locate an at-home tattoo laser removal specialist who is willing to work during the quarantine. [Instagram]

Ana De Armas finally posted the pictures of herself that Ben Affleck was spotted taking on their Cuba vacation earlier in March! (I suggest he learn to pull focus properly when compensating for low light levels, but otherwise—they’re beautiful!)