The Tabloids Foreshadowed Kaia Gerber and Pete Davidson's Breakup a Week Ago!

Illustration for article titled The Tabloids Foreshadowed Kaia Gerber and Pete Davidsons Breakup a Week Ago!
Graphic: Jezebel

Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, a very serious tabloid about very serious things, like Julianne Hough’s marital problems, Justin Bieber’s impending breakdown, Michelle Williams incredibly horny personal life, and the ugly fedora one Property Brother refuses to burn.

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Let’s get gossiping!


Illustration for article titled The Tabloids Foreshadowed Kaia Gerber and Pete Davidsons Breakup a Week Ago!
Graphic: Joan Summers/Jezebel, Screenshot: In Touch, Ok!, Star, Life & Style, Us Weekly
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Hot Gossip:

What would you do with $1 billion, and how far would you go to keep it? Tipsters claim the question had been hanging over Kaia Gerber’s head, after an explosive fight with her parents in NYC following an allegedly perplexing encounter between her dad and Pete Davidson. As reported last year, Kaia Gerber was caught by paparazzi asking if she’d seen Pete Davidson over the Christmas break. She responded that, instead, she’d spent the time with family. The interaction followed a run-in the week prior between her father, Rande Gerber, and her occasional boyfriend Pete Davidson. In photographs first reported by the Daily Mail, Rande is seen angrily discussing their daughter’s relationship with the sometimes-comedian, who he had just spoken to in Kaia’s NYC apartment. He was overheard saying:

“He’s got scratched out eyes. His face was like scared as if someone or a camera was on him. His eyes are very... and he’s like freaking out. How in the hell can he [...] be away [...] he needs help my God that’s crazy [...] private rehab, ummm, like in an hour.’

Davidson later fled in his silver Lincoln SUV while Rande and Cindy Crawford watched from the street. The following week, Kaia was spotted at LAX without Davidson. Enter this week’s Star, which claims that Kaia was forbidden from being with Davidson by her parents, lest she lose her “$1 billion” inheritance. (No clue where they got the number, though.) Also, sources allege that their apartment showdown didn’t have anything to do with an “intervention over Davidson’s mental health.” Instead, they were they to inform the occasional- comedian that he should stay away from their daughter before she “gets pregnant.” As one puts it: “It’s everyone’s worst nightmare!”

Interestingly, this story contradicts the pretty brazen evidence reported on by Daily Mail in December. It also seems too convenient that, for once, Star is asserting a narrative that is less inflammatory than the one already in the public. Do the Gerber’s have plants inside American Media, to damage control their family’s reputation? Unlikely. But it would certainly make a good thriller!

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All of this is eclipsed, of course, by the E! News report on Tuesday that Kaia and Davidson’s relationship has “cooled off.” Sources also told Hollywood Life this morning that the pair have officially split. (If you close your eyes and listen carefully, I’m sure you could hear Cindy Crawford crying on a pile of money.)

OK! also wants everyone to know that Justin Bieber is doing fine. Here are a list of things that prove Justin Bieber is fine, besides begging fans to stream his music while they sleep, desperately clawing his way onto charts: He will probably release an album this year, he has a “10 part Youtube documentary series” coming out soon, and his stadium tour begins in May. Sounds fine to me! None of these read as crises waiting to happen, and I definitely think everyone will be totally regular Biebs in the months ahead.

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Elsewhere in Los Angeles, tipsters claim that the Richies are in a tizzy after Sofia Richie ditched their family plans for a holiday with the Kardashians. One source spills:

“She barely saw her sister Nicole or her parents over the holidays, and it’s breaking their hearts. [...] Lionel hopes she grows up and realizes she’s alienating the people who care about her the most.”

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That same source also alleges that Scott Disick, resident creep, is a “control freak” who “organizes their social outings.” (How much do you want to bet that he also schedules in time to take his required Instagram photos?) Conversely, Life & Style claims that Zac Efron is just happy to be here after contracting “a life threatening disease” while filming his new show Killing Zac Efron. Whether or not a near-fatal illness is a publicity stunt for the upcoming show aside, I for one am happy that Zac Efron is still alive to saunter around Los Angeles with his ever-evolving bleach job. Also, this week’s In Touch features some rank speculation on who will play Wendy Williams in an upcoming Lifetime biopic:

  • Mariah Carey: “The diva, 49, has been a frequent target of Wendy’s criticism over the years, but with her excellent performance in Precious—and those apple cheeks—the singer would actually be perfect for the part.”
  • Kris Jenner: “The Kardashian momager, 64, thought she was dressing as daughter Khloe for Halloween, but Twitter users pointed out her uncanny resemblance to a fellow TV host—one whose talk show didn’t get cancelled.” (Is In Touch promoting... blackface?)
  • Angela Bassett: “The Oscar nominee and Yale School of Drama grad, 61, has been known to transform herself for big roles—including Tina Turner and Rosa Parks—so stepping into Wendy’s shoes shouldn’t be a stretch.”
  • Robin Givens: “‘I don’t care if you look like my twin, I’m a radio personality. You’ve got to have the talk,’ Wendy, 55, said of choosing this actress, 55, to play her in 2011's Queen of Media, a never-released film based on her autobiography.”
  • Nene Leakes: “‘I thought I’d be you a little bit,’ the RHOA star, 52, said when she appeared on her former frenemy’s show in a matching wig recently. We’ll take it as an informal audition!”
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Extremely plausible casting aside, I’d love to watch Mariah Carey doing Mariah Carey doing Wendy Williams doing Wendy Williams.


Illustration for article titled The Tabloids Foreshadowed Kaia Gerber and Pete Davidsons Breakup a Week Ago!
Graphic: Joan Summers/Jezebel, Screenshot: In Touch, Ok!, Star, Life & Style, Us Weekly
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Horny Time:

Did you hear? Michelle Williams is pregnant with Hamilton director Thomas Kail. Life & Style claims that the two met on Fosse/Verdon while filming in July 2018, when Michelle was married to her now ex-husband Phil Elverum a few months after Michelle broke off her engagement to Andrew Yousman. Alongside this, Kail was attached to actress Angela Christian when his relationship with Williams allegedly began. Confused? It’s understandable! Thankfully, a recent investigation from ONTD user MS_MMELISA pieced together the couple’s wacky relationship timeline, which I’ve copied below:

  • January 2018 - Williams dating (possibly engaged) to Andrew Yousman.
  • July 2018 - Williams marries Phil Elverum, begins work on Fosse/Verdon.
  • December 2, 2018 - Thomas Kail attends the Kennedy Center Honors with wife Angela Christian.
  • March 2019 - Fosse/Verdon wraps.
  • April 2019 - The Williams/Elverum seperation is made public, and Kail attends the premiere of his show without his wife.
  • December 2019 - Williams and Kail announce their engagement and pregnancy.

Messy, messy! Sources tell the outlet: “She loves Thomas, and he adores her. They’re a perfect match. Whatever happened between [them], this much is certain: Michelle deserves all the happiness in the world, and when she’s with Thomas, she can’t stop beaming.” Congrats to the happy couple, and three cheers for their exes’ therapists!

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The tabloid also reports that Miley Cyrus’ friends are very concerned about her relationship with full-time Australian Cody Simpson . One tells the outlet: “Cody has a good thing going for himself by hanging out with Miley—he’s more famous now than ever, and she recognizes that.” Speaking of, E! reports that for his birthday, Cody Simpson was gifted with a bag embroidered with his pen name, Prince Neptune, by Miley. Funny enough, he also used the Instagram photo to promote his upcoming “poetry” book, which will no doubt find a boost in sales through his relationship. Congrats, dude!

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While we’re on the topic of Australians, In Touch would like to remind readers that Lindsay Lohan was very lusty over New Year’s on Liam Hemsworth’s Instagram. No word if she ever got his number, but I doubt it! What else? Lady Gaga is allegedly with some new man, Kourtney Kardashian keeps getting photographed with Younes Bendjima, Ok! claims that Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich are “definitely on the rocks” (despite the many planted interviews about their loving relationship), and Star reports that Juicy Joe is dating again after Teresa Giudice was spotted with the pool guy at Christmas. Cheers!


Illustration for article titled The Tabloids Foreshadowed Kaia Gerber and Pete Davidsons Breakup a Week Ago!
Graphic: Joan Summers/Jezebel, Photo: In Touch, Ok!, Star, Life & Style, Us Weekly
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What the Fuck Did She Wear?

I’d like to begin this week with a hat whose existence I have been cursed by ever since flipping open this week’s tabloids. At Disneyland during the New Year’s break, Property Brother extra Drew Scott was seen in Disneyland with a bright red fedora. It is currently unclear why he paired the fedora with a moto jacket and jeans, but I’d like to request he never strut his stuff for the paparazzi in it literally ever again. I also can’t stop thinking Rita Ora’s fabulous Versace lace-up corset dress or Katie Holmes little black Saint Laurent mini, despite my aversion to the brand’s current direction. Specifically, her blowout really sells the ensemble!

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Elsewhere, Trevor Noah stepped out in a basic army jacket, while Jennifer Lopez opted for that sweater every bully in high school also owns. Sex bench owners Cara Delevigne and Ashley Benson looked effortlessly cool in some dressed-down comfy clothes while out and about in Disneyland. Rebel Wilson wore a perfectly boring sweater on horseback. Cody Simpson used a Bob Dylan memoir as an accessory while flipping off cameras in a snooze-worthy bomber while Kaia Gerber dodged paparazzi in a puffer bigger than she is. Sadly, across the ocean, Kate Middleton looked utterly forgettable in what can only be Michael Kors. (After quick examination—it is!)

I’m also halting this joyride to briefly mention Beyoncé’s Schiaparelli haute couture gown from last week’s Golden Globes. It was, hands down, the best red carpet moment I’ve seen in some time: effortless, with incredible proportions, a jaw-dropping silhouette, and a glamour generally unachievable by most awards show attendees. Despite her eventual snub for best original song, she gave the cameras exactly what they were looking for—something fun to cut to while the boring famouses around her shuffled up to give some speeches.

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Shit Talking:

  • Jenna Fischer, on young fans telling her she looks like an older version of Pam from The Office: “I’ve had young fans come up to me and they say, “You look like an older version of that girl Pam from The Office.” [Ok!]
  • Peter Weber, on turbulence being fun: “Turbulence can be fun.” [Us Weekly]
  • Beyoncé, on buying Cuervo and Funyuns chips with Jay-Z: “Jay and I [...] bought some Cuervo and Funyuns chips.” [Life & Style]
  • Charlize Theron, on not waiting for women: “The first thing that happens when you work with women that you don’t get with men—you never wait for them.” [Ok!]
  • Ashley Tisdale, on Zac Efron trying to kiss her with his tongue”: “He tried kissing me with his tongue.” [Us Weekly]
  • Gigi Hadid, on not going to the gym to run because she would die: “I just can’t go to the gym and run—I’d rather die.” [Life & Style]
  • Kate Beckinsale, on not living in the same house when you’re married: “I think more people would do well married if they didn’t have to live in the same house.” [Ok!]
  • Jennifer Coolidge, on buying lemon almonds at the farmers’ market: “I buy lemon almonds at the farmers’ market.” [Us Weekly]
  • Chrissy Teigen, on not having a cat: “I’ve never had a cat.” [Life & Style]
  • Kelly Clarkson, on not lying about having sex before bed: “How one makes children is generally what I do before bed—that’s not a lie.” [Ok!]
  • Camila Cabello, on taking two months to call Shawn Mendes “baby”: “It took two months for me to be able to call him baby.” [Life & Style]
  • Robert Pattinson, on being nervous on, like, every single movie: “I’m nervous on, like, every single movie.” [Ok!]

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DISCUSSION

I hope this new Shit talking format isn’t going to become a regular thing. It was cute the first time, but is fast losing its charm.