TFW you landed a triple axel at the freaking OLYMPICS and are also wearing a very chill lucky red costume. Image: Getty

The XXII Winter Olympic Games—aka Pyeongchang 2018, aka Winter Sports are DOPE AS HELL—started off with a bang on Friday with a spectacular Opening Ceremony that featured drones, small children going on an epic journey, and a giant spring that looked like a penis that lit the torch. Great! Fun! There has been skiing, the biathlon (the one with the guns and the skiing), snowboarding, speed skating, etc. All great sports to watch, but lack the sartorial oomph that figure skating has in heaps.

Two days of figure skating have already elapsed—a whirlwind of a weekend full of glitz, glamour, sequins, and unexpected sensuality. Everyone skated GREAT and looked FABULOUS and I’m so excited for the rest of this godforsaken sports spectacle!

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YES. YES. OK. SURE. I’M INTO IT. Photos: Getty

These ice dancers are making similar sartorial statements: dress the women in colors of tropical plants while the men shine in all black, sheer panels, and sequins. Ronald Zilberberg and Adel Tankova of Israel do what I think is a twizzle sequence, all the best to show off that Swarovski stripe on Zilberberg’s blousy pant. The kicky orchid chiffon paneling of Tankova’s costume is a little ‘90s prom dress, but I like it. Same goes for Kavita Lorenz and Joti Polizoakis of Germany; Polizoakis chose a deep V for his sheer-sleeved top and Lorenz is giving you a coral-red caftan fantasy, but modified for performance!! I love everything about Shiyue Wang’s sparkly-ass bodice with the hot pink detailing and I appreciate her partner Xinyu Liu’s sneaky flash in the top—just a few sheer panels, nothing really crazy and then BAM chest BAM Swarovski! Finally, Italy’s Anna Cappellini and Luca Lanotte stuck to the theme and are really just fine.

Fine, boring, sure, huh? Photo: Getty

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Category is: Macy’s mother of the bride dresses, circa 2001. I love the color choices on Marie-Jade Lauriault’s coral and purple eleganza, but wish her partner Romain Le Gac’s top matched the purp just a teeensy bit more. Alexa Scimeca Knierim and her husband Chris Knierim are elegant but slightly boring in tonal lavender and grey chiffon. This burgundy halter neck situation on Meagan Duhamel is practical but not FUN and Eric Radford’s matching top is a sexy version of your favorite interview blouse from Express. Finally, this white and lilac softness from Natalia Zabiiako and Alexander Enbert is also kind of boring—fun fact, that purple bit of flair on Enbert’s shoulder was a surprise reveal during their performance. Homage to Violet Chachki’s iconic costume reveal in season 8 of RuPaul’s Drag Race? Maybe!!

ShibSIbs, a hot mess, a pizza parlor, whatever this is? Image: Getty

The ShibSibs aka Alex and Maia Shibutani decided to go with these relatively tame numbers; her dress is fun and frothy but nothing to snap at and his top is a pleasant but humdrum sequined nude. Miu Suzaki’s pink dress needs more sequins or more skirt, I can’t decide which and Ryuichi Kihara is dressed like a cater waiter at a masquerade ball. Valentina Marchei and Ondrej Hotarek look like the fanciest strip mall pizza parlor. Finally, I don’t know what Kana Muramoto and Chris Reed are going for here, but his top looks like a thunderstorm and the colors of her dress are a bit too muddled and slightly puke-y. Needs more rhinestones if you ask me!!

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SEX. YES. SLAY. SKATE. Photo: Getty

Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue are the sexiest ice dancers in the entire world; every performance that they did was essentially dangerous foreplay and they did it looking! Like! This! Virtue loves a cutout and this red number is very sensual. Moir is wearing a top that looks like a Nasty Gal reject, but I love it anyway? Their black and gold sequined fantasy is also quite excellent, cut high on the leg for Virtue and embellished within an inch of its life for Moir. They are racy and pervy and were basically fucking on the ice and I LOVED every minute of it! Moir of this, please ;)

RED-Y STEADY GO. Photo: Getty

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Happy lunar new year to you and yours, for red is a lucky color and also looks damn good on camera. Here’s Carolina Kostner in a fluffy burgundy number that nicely matches her lipstick; Kaori Sakamoto’s commitment to the cap sleeve is admirable, as is that bright red overlay and tasteful sequins. This 15 year old savage Alina Zagitova is out here in a red tutu with gold everywhere, with her flesh colored skate tights pulled OVER her skates, ready to give you long lies and higher degrees of difficulty with every single turn. And Mirai Nagasu, my sweet queen, bedazzled her skates to match her cheongsam-adjacent costume and I love her for that and also for landing that triple axel!!

LET US NOT FORGET THE MEN. Image: Getty

What about the men, you ask? Keiji Tanaka is wearing a weird blazer/buttondown combo that again, gives cater waiter vibes, but at Chuck E. Cheese this time around. Patrick Chan’s cowl-neck maroon top isn’t working for me, but at least he’s comfortable. Adam Rippon’s ass is the star of this look, followed by that TOP, which appears to be dripping in finesse and rhinestones, looking like some updated Frozen merch, but in a good way. Matteo Rizzo looks like a “Soul Calibur 2" character you select by accident that really only has one sort of lame move—still, I respect it.

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MINT, MIDNIGHT, CERULEAN, PERIWINKLE. Image: Getty

Call me basic, but I like this very staid mint and white sequined costume from Dabin Choi—perhaps because I’m here for a statement sleeve? Xiangning Li needs more sequins to really make that ombrĂ© nonsense stand out. Gabrielle Daleman’s look is ombrĂ© done absolutely right—subtle but blingy and dare I say, chic? Nicole Schott’s look reminds me a teensy bit of Nancy Kerrigan; maybe it’s the long sleeves and the high neck, or maybe it’s that this outfit is kind of boring.

Hmm, sure, YES, ok! Photo: Getty

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I love illusion netting and I will not be ashamed and that’s why Bradie Tennell’s prom-dress thing works. It’d work better if that embellishment was, say, GOLD, instead, but never you mind. Kaetlyn Osmond’s choice to wear sheer gloves is an interesting one, lending a bit of musical theatre to an otherwise fine-enough chiffon’n’glitz frock. God bless Mae Berenice Meite who came out in this superhero-esque jumpsuit and did an entire program to BeyoncĂ©. And god BLESS Evgenia Medvedeva!! Her outfit is kinda blah—sequins, okay, ombrĂ© sure—but she skates like a fucking demon and the little package NBC put together before she performed gave me the impression that she’s a raver? I don’t know, I love her!!

Honestly, everyone looked great and did even better. Please stare at this photo of Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir practically mid-coitus. O CANADA INDEED!!