Oh, Great: Russia Has 'Zombie' Pigeons Now

Look, folks: I don’t like to engage in this whole “pigeons are the rats of the sky” conversation — MOSTLY because I believe that pigeons know when you’re talking about them and I don’t want to give that overwhelming mass of filth birds any reason to dislike me — but between you and me, if I’m being completely honest here, I’ll come clean and say that I think pigeons are pretty fucking gross. (Have you ever just sat and watched the way a pigeon’s neck moves as it walks around? Disguuuuuusting. Plus, sometimes they’ll fly away when you’re standing too close and the wind generated from their wings will hit you in the face. IDK, it’s a whole thing.)

It turns out, however, that calling pigeons the rats of the sky was actually a generous comparison (to the pigeon, not to the rat) because pigeons in Russia — where everything terrible seems to go down these days — have begun losing their minds.

From Raw Story:

“Before death they start to act like zombies,” one Russian news broadcast said. “They lose their orientation and fly without a sense of direction and then fall, already lacking the strength to get up.”

This proves two things. First, people in Russia are maybe confused about the way zombies act. Second, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Al Jazeera America is reporting that the birds suffer from Newcastle disease, a contagious virus that — hooray! — is transmittable to humans, though, luckily, people can’t die from it…yet. (Warning: the video at the link is actually pretty sad.)

Aldous Huxley and Camille Paglia were right! The idea of benevolent nature is a farce! Everything is out to get us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I will be going outside with an open umbrella to protect myself from a rain of zombie pigeon bodies.