NYC’s Rat Assassin Job Listing Should Be a Reality Show

New York City rats: If you’re reading this, it’s time you pack your bags and scurry out of town, because your days running this city are numbered. Mayor Eric Adams’ office has posted an unhinged job listing for a Director of Rodent Mitigation aka Rat Assassin, and they mean business. The official description reads:

“The ideal candidate is highly motivated and somewhat bloodthirsty, determined to look at all solutions from various angles, including improving operational efficiency, data collection, technology innovation, trash management, and wholesale slaughter.”

Adams even personally posted the listing with some strong words of his own:

Adams has been on the anti-rat beat for a while now. Back when he was Brooklyn borough president, he bragged about killing 107 rats with a device he helped create called the “Rat Bucket.” The Rat Bucket trapped and then drowned the pests in a vinegar solution. It’s a cute little science fair craft—but ultimately, there are more than 107 rats in NYC, and the city needs a real killer to handle the rest.

Not only do I hope they find the candidate who has a “virulent vehemence for vermin’’ and “the drive, determination and killer instinct needed to fight the real enemy[:] New York City’s relentless rat population,” I hope they get it all on tape. In fact, I want a whole reality competition show produced to document my city’s search for the ultimate rat hunter.

Before becoming Jezebel’s preeminent low-stakes niche gossip blogger, I dabbled in the television and film industry and can sniff out a good show premise when I see one. Here’s what I’m thinking: Interested job candidates, all presumably grizzled men—and a handful of sharp witted lanyard lesbians—who live in the city’s outer boroughs compete in weekly pest extermination challenges. Think Survivor meets The Apprentice.

Each episode would have physical obstacles, like chasing rodents through a replica of Manhattan’s sewer system. Every other episode would have a mental and mathematical component, like how to arrange a city block’s trash cans so that the rats can’t access their filthy feast. Then there’d be more psycho-social challenges—like do the competitors have the savvy and stamina to party all night with Eric Adams’ rat pack of associates?

As for judges, Adams is clearly at the table. I’d also like to see Fran Lebowitz, Spike Lee, and the Naked Cowboy at the tribal council to decide who, each week, doesn’t have what it takes to “keep the city’s rats in check and on notice,” as the job listing reads. Oh, and the host would obviously be John Turturro.

The winner of the show would be named the Rat King, and the final shot would be of them walking into a dark subway tunnel, ready to begin their bloody reign.

Should some smart producer accept my free idea, I’d just like to wish good luck to the contestants and the rats. May the odds be ever in your favor.