Noted Shyster JD Vance Is Funding the Burning of Live Monkey Testicles
The Ohio GOP nominee is reportedly investing in cartoonishly barbaric testing on animals. He's still tied with Tim Ryan for Senate.
Politics

One could call the Ohio GOP a lot of things. As someone born and bred in the Buckeye state, I happen to consider it as deeply suspect as it is mortifying; outsiders, however, might just liken it to a lot of monkey business. And hey, speaking of which, Republican Senate nominee JD Vance is reportedly bankrolling the burning of live macaque testicles in a Columbus biotech startup.
According to a new Rolling Stone report, the Hillbilly Elegy author and—I simply cannot stress this enough—venture capitalist with Silicon Valley connections, has been backing AmplifyBio, a $200 million biotech startup that purports to be “Advancing Science for Humankind.” If that sounds like the mission statement of a fictional research facility in a bad sci-fi film, you’re onto something. In short, because AmplifyBio tests experimental drugs on live animals, including dogs and primates. As a result, many of such animals die from the exposure to toxic testing. It’s also noted that said testing is prone to some “technician errors”—namely, burns on monkeys’ genitals. Additionally, one lab monkey died after being wedged in “faulty lab equipment.” I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t what Tucker Carlson meant when he advised men to roast their balls.