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Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.

Rihanna, January 17—It is with great trepidation and sorrow that I approach you, Rihport readers, with one of the saddest pieces of news this column has ever been forced to report. I write this, in fact, through tears. Tears of sadness; tears of dread; tears spilling softly into the ulcer I have developed just now upon hearing the news, like the gloomiest rainstorm seeping into the unshielded parts of the ground in a forest. That forest is Rihanna. The ground is Hassan Jameel. They have reached an impasse. The rain, therefore, is us.

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The doomsayers at a nihilist publication entitled Us Weekly have brought the guillotine of this news upon us, the soulless duty of the executioner. The executioner is receiving its orders from “a source,” who says that Rihanna and Hassan have ended their three-year-long romance. There is no other information, other than the synapses that indicate pain firing off in our collective brains. This news is hideous, the worst of its kind. All of our greatest hopes and dreams—a billion-dollar mega-wedding, a fleet of Fenty babies, the promise of many (or just one) albums celebrating their love with songs like “Sex With Me”—have been utterly destroyed with but one evil news blog. It cuts like a knife.

We remember happier climes, before we even knew Hassan’s name, or that he could bring so much joy to Robyn Rihanna Fenty, and therefore to us, by dint of our Navy-ness. We beamed with joy every time the couple hit up 1Oak, or Wally’s, or the dentist, or any number of swanky hotspots in Hollywood and New York. We felt their love ripple through space and time, a butterfly effect, and let it seep into our thirsty pores. It was beautiful, but for a moment. If we hold on to one thing, let it be that.

This story is developing and unfortunately for our well being, will be updated. The Rihport pledges to keep you, fellow Navy, abreast of any new news if and when it appears. Go safe unto the night with the knowledge that you.... you are not alone.

This has been the Rihanna Rihport.

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